Back from the coast It was, as always, healing for me. We stayed in a third floor condo this time. J decided he prefers a house. I'm surprised. We drove down the beach highway and, at first, thought things looked pretty good as far as the rebuilding effort was going. Then....we came to the end of the island and saw the houses, or rather -- didn't see the houses. One of the houses we've stayed in is leaning and the one that 'used' to be next to it is gone. There seemed to be a couple of houses (or remains of houses) across the street so we wondered if the missing house had been blown or washed across the street. Even though many of the houses don't seem ready to be rented, the condos appear to be up and running.

We ate well, swam, played pool in the condo game room, walked the beach, and enjoyed being with each other. And then....

And then we went to work on the AL house. That's where the good times ended. We drove home from the beach, even tho it was the opposite way from AL, to drop off the boys and see to the cat. J wanted the boys to go to AL and help with painting the outside of the house and go to a Civil War reenactment, but they declined. So, J and I left for AL the next day. I don't think we said 100 words to each other the whole time we were up there -- including the night we got home and J left the next morning.

I didn't trust myself to say much. I 'think' one of the reasons I so resent that house is because it insults me to have J spending so much time and money on it when we/our family are putting off doing/buying things we need/want because resources are going to that damn house. ....It's been this way for going on FIVE years for G-d's sake!! Every other person I can think of who inherited anything from family, used it for their families. Not J, he's still (almost 5 years later) trying to keep up things for himself and most probably for the approval of his family -- who aren't here anymore. He holds on to things until they are worthless. I have this eerie feeling that something's going to happen to that house and he's going to lose it. Ummmm....I was thinking about loosing the house itself, but he just might lose *IT* if something happens to that house.

Anywho, once up there, we chose outside paint colors for the house and J started painting, and then the rain came. So there sits the house, half painted. He did odds and ends inside the house and I painted (I've been painting for over 4 years now -- it'll never be done) some trim, closet shelves, and one bath. Then, I read the paper and an Oprah home magazine I bought. There wasn't anything else for me to do. The kids and I have been telling J that his refusal to get rid of 'stuff' is keeping us from being able to do anything else. It's to that point now.

I don't want to go back. I don't want to stay with J. It's getting to be too much trouble to dredge up warm feelings for J. He's always had only one foot in this relationship. That was workable for me because I had my life and he had his. He needs someone with him at all times, and it doesn't matter who that someone is -- they are replaceable. I don't want to be that someone anymore. Since his mom and grandmom died, he lost his touchstone. Now he wants me to be it, and it's not working. I say he wants ME, but actually he just wants SOMEONE. He's a sad person.

He's making up his life. He's embarrassed to have a degree in art. He has a MFA but isn't even proud of it. I don't understand. I have realized that he HAS to figure things out in his mind -- even if he comes to unrealistic conclusions. He HAS to be able to say to himself that things are one way or another -- even if he has to create an unreal reality. .... I know what I just wrote makes no sense because I don't understand what's going on myself.

On the way back from AL we stopped and looked at new 5th wheels. It's time to trade. The point was made again that we couldn't get what we wanted because we had to keep money free for the house in Leeds. You would think something like that would get throught to J -- the fact that he's not able to live his life as he wants because he's choosing to put resources into a house that's sitting there falling down. Doesn't make sense to me.

I think it's time for me to start looking for a job. There's always teaching, but.... I just don't know how to get out of this marriage. I ask J to leave but he won't.

Two good things: I got the house cleaned after sons #2&3 being here while we were in AL, and I made a pretty good frozen strawberry daiquiri. I'm gettin' the hang of it....

Duh! As I was saying (before I started talkin' & thinkin' about the love-er-ly Redneck Riviera), I haven't talked to 'A' since Wednesday. I thought she might be pissed off at me because of J's letter - although she knows I had nothing to do with it. I've called and emailed, with no response. I had to consciously keep myself from letting my imagination run wild the last couple of days.

Well, I got son #2 to call her earlier this evening. Her roommate picked up and told him that 'A' is in TX visiting someone she met on an internet board. 'A' has told me about this girl. 'A' and her roommate have talked to her on the phone for three months or so, but I still don't know if it was a good choice to go see her. 'A' checks in with her roommate several times a day. I don't know why she didn't call me. ....She most likely knows I'd tell her not to go. 'A' does not do well when she's bored. I don't know what's going on with that girl. :/

Beach daze......

We are heading for the gulf coast tomorrow for a few days before summer rates kick in. I'm looking forward to it. Sons #2&3 are going with us. Monday is son #2's birthday so I'm glad he'll be with us to celebrate. Most of the businesses and houses and condos are up and running after Ivan's visit so we'll go and do our part to help the recovery. Not that they need our help, the area's pretty booked up as far as I can tell.

Haven't been able to get in touch with 'A' since Thursday. J emailed her a pretty strong letter Wednesday so I know she's not happy with that. I don't know if he did the right thing or not with the letter. I just told him to do what he thought best. 'A' is such a strong, capable young lady, I'm not exactly sure what's going on with her. I just hope she uses this as a learning experience and gets back on track.

Back Wednesday....

A friend died today. A person I've never met, who lived on the other side of the country. I knew her only through the virtual world of homeschooling boards and emails. I've known her for years. I've been through the illness and eventual death of her husband three years ago. I've been through her helping her two children adjust to their father's death. I've been with her through her move back to her hometown so she could be closer to family. I've been with her as she bought a house, got a job, and eventually bought another house that better suited her and her childrens' needs. I remember how much she wanted that house and how hard she worked for it. I remember how closely she watched her children as they all tried to live in a world turned upside down after her husband's death. I remember how she fought for her husband to live and supported him with every fiber of her being.

I remember when she got sick. I remember her disbelief. I remember her anger. I remember her strong faith being tested. I remember her optimism. I remember her disappointment. I remember her agony over what her children were going to have to face - again, so soon, so soon. I remember her last email saying good-bye. It was unbelievable. I remember her son's email saying his mother had passed away in the early morning and that he was closing her email accounts.

A friend died today, and I will miss her so.

Today is one of those days that, when I look back on it, I did nothing to better the world, my family, myself, ....nutin' honey. I felt as if I was on hold all day waiting to learn 'A's' decision re her job - even tho I think I know. She hasn't called. I didn't call her because I felt she might think I was pressuring her, and she has a couple of people she's talking it over with. I just called her a few minutes ago and she didn't answer, which didn't surprise me because she knows her dad is home and she so doesn't want to talk to him. I guess she'll either call back later tonight, or I'll get in touch with her tomorrow, or....

Today I just piddled around. I was feeling that there were all sorts of odds and ends to be taken care of and it was driving me crazy - actually, I wasn't that worried about it, but saying I was makes me feel better about myself....temporarily. I just wandered through each room seeing what needed to be done, and there was something in every room that needed to be done. Umm..I seem to be in one of those 'I need to be in control' moods again. I hate those!

I decided to grill some sausages out before J got home. And wouldn't you know it, we were almost out of charcoal. But since I didn't have much to put on the grill, it worked out. Threw some potatoes in the oven to oven-fry, sliced a tomatoe and onion - easy meal. Ice cream for dessert.

Well, J came in tonight. We did fine until I mentioned his dirty clothes. He usually brings them in and dumps them in the washer and I'll finish drying them. (I use to wash and dry them but I think someone at work said something that made him start washing them.) I didn't mind washing his clothes ( a weeks worth); it was his attitude. He would say that he worked and I did nothing so I could wash his clothes. And....that was in response to NOTHING. I hadn't said anything. He has such a big mouth.

Anywho, tonight he dumped his dirty clothes in the foyer. ?? I asked him why he didn't put them on the washer and that set him off. He can never say something simple like he didn't want to, or sorry. No siree. He had to go on and on about 'me' getting excited and nagging him. He can't seem to understand, or won't accept that there is family space in the house, and personal space. He thinks someone (me) should follow him around picking up after him. I guess that comes from being raised by his grandmother. His mother was the same way - expecting her mom (J's grandmom) to pick up after her.

Here I go again. I can tell it's going to be a 'good' weekend. :/

Actually, I'm going to try. Sons #2&3 want to go see Star Wars with J (he'll pay) ;) so they'll be out of the house for a while. Sons #2&3 normally would have gone to the midnight showing but son #2 didn't know when he'd be back from New Orleans for sure. By the time he found out and tried to buy tickets, it was sold out.

I need to get things ready for our trip to the coast, but....I'll think about that tomorrow.

Scotch and fortune cookies......

That's what my day has been reduced to. I'm trying to loose weight. I'm working my arse off, yet I gaining or maintaining. What's with that? Could it be (gasp!) AGE?!?!

Anywho....late last night as I was planning what I would be having to eat today (umm, the problem might be becoming clearer) I remembered seeing drunks who were nothing but skin and bones. I've taken a likin' to alcohol lately - rum, to be specific....with diet Coke, of course - and decided that today would be a liquid diet. :) Turns out that my decision might have been providetially inspired. By 5:23 am this morning I was tempted to start my drinking quite early.

That's the exact time 'A' first called. She called again at 5:25. She wanted to tell me that she was stuck on the interstate on her way to work. An 18 wheeler had overturned. Odd because two overturned here also this morning. Ummmm.... Anywho, she wanted someone to bitch at and who in the world could she call at that hour of the morning but her mom? In all fairness, I'm sure she would have called her roommate if said roommate had not been on her way to TN on a business trip.

As it played out, she stood on the interstate talking to all the other people also stuck (sooooo many people going to work at that hour of the morning??) until @ 6:30 when the police allowed them to, one at a time, drive the wrong way down the road until the first exit, which just happened to be the exit to her house. She was so pissed by that time that she took it as a sign that the new job wasn't worth it. ....She's very liberal in her interpretation of signs. So she headed home, called her new boss and told him she was reconsidering. Then....she called me and her roommate again. ;)

Horrible mother that I am, I didn't answer the phone. My kids have put me through so much that I turn the phone by my bed off at night. Horrible, I know, but it's the only way I can sleep now. I also have that early morning call telling me of my brother's suicide playing in the back of my mind when I go to sleep. I know exactly where I was standing when I heard the news. But.. that's another story. Suffice it to say that I didn't find out what was going on until later in the day when I finally did answer the phone. I guess that spoils my hope that if you don't answer the phone bad things won't happen....

So when I check the phone log and see the calls from 'A,' I figure out what was most likely going on. Actually, since she didn't call back till the afternoon so I was beginning to think she might have been calling to tell me she was coming here after work to spend the night. But, not so. I wasn't too suprised when she told me she was probably going to quit. ....Hence the providential decision to go with a 'liquid' diet today. I haven't heard her decision for sure, but I think I know. One day this time.

Oh, the scotch hasn't completely satisfied my hunger, so that's where the fortune cookies come in. I just have to keep resisting the Almond Pistachio ice cream in the feezer....

I guess I should say something about the marriage since that's why I started this blog. I told J about 'A' because he - well, he knows his daughter. He was as upset as I was. He decided to email her a letter. His granddad always did that - not email, but written. He asked me if I disagreed with what he said and I said 'no' I didn't. He needs to do what he feels he needs to do. Most of the things he told 'A,' she has told me herself. It's her journey and I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and it will make sense eventually.

Another day, another job to quit......

Here we go again. 'A' - my daughter just finished her first day on her new job. She was so glad to get it because her job pickins' have been slim lately. She has a BS in Polymer (basically chemistry/engineering), her MS in Forensics, and her class work finished for her Doctorate in Criminal Justice. She's turned down two jobs with the FBI because she doesn't want to move. She said she would work for next to nothing just to stay where she is now. Well....that turned out to be an untruth. She got a job with the city police department as a CSI - which paid next to nothing - and that didn't work out for her. There were reasons other than the pay, tho.

So, she started this new job today as a chemist. I knew she was setting herself up, because the job is almost two hours away from where she lives and she doesn't want to move. I talked with her at noon and she was pleased with the way the day was going. I talked with her on her drive home and she was not pleased. She's tired, she was bored during the afternoon, she wonders what she's gotten herself into.

I knew this would happen, and she did, too. She's a smart chickadee. I just hope she'll find a way to work this out. As I see it.... ^) she can find a place down there, stay in a motel during the work week, come home for a couple of nights during the work week (we are closer than where she's driving from now), or just get used to the drive. As I said, I'm hoping she'll work it out because this job is a good opportunity for her. If she could stay at it for 2-3 years she'll be on her way. ....At least that's what she tells me.

Not much else going on today. I made reservations at the coast for next Sun.-Wed., just before rates go up for the summer. I never know how many bedrooms to get because I never know who will be able to go. At the moment, I just got a 2 bedroom condo, instead of a house, because I'm thinking only son #3 will be free to go. It seems nice - an end unit with a big balcony right on the beach. Only bummer is that J wants to go from there up to the AL house and do some work, ....and see a Civil War reenactment. You see, we can't do anything without bringing his past into it. Oh, they have a grocery service at the beach now. You fill out an online order and it is waiting for you at your rental property. I may give it a try. We'll go to Bruno's or Winn Dixie, of course, to stock up on some soft drinks that are hard to find at home. I want to try LuLu's (Jimmy Buffet's sister's place), 'A' and her roommate tried it when they went down a couple of weeks ago and loved it. Probably not much except fried food on the menu - that's what our beautiful Redneck Riviera does best.

J is going to an Astro's game tonight. A vendor got tickets for some of the guys. I guess he'll get a meal too. So if the game's televised and you're watching and see a crazy guy in a flowered shirt, that's J.

Musings on marriage......

I usually post at night, or rather in the wee hours. Problem is, most of the ideas I want to write about come to me during the day. I just don't stop whatever I'm doing and write, and by the time I do sit down to this blog, I've forgotten what it was I wanted to write/think about. So....before I forget, I want to say something.

I started this blog because my marriage is and has almost aways been - the pits. Things have intensified lately (or re-intensified) and I wanted to see if this could be my safe place to put down my thoughts and spew out my frustrations. I want to see if I can make some sense out of my married life. I know I sound as if I'm whinning, as if I'm picking on my husband, J, while not mentioning my faults. Those things keep me from writing down some thoughts I would like to get out of my head, because I feel I'll 'look' bad. I can start sounding like a bitch even to myself. So, to anyone who thinks I think I'm Ms. Perfect - not so. I know I have plenty of faults. One of which is that I don't talk to or open up to people very often. Seems as if I'm the one others are usually talking to.

So, before I forget what I came here to say - here goes today's thoughts. I decided, years ago, to choose to stay with J for the children. Sounds lame, I know. We had really only one big issue and that was his grandparents and his mom. They lived in another state so we were able to keep things on simmer - until they came to visit and things tended to boil over. But, that's another story. In choosing to stay with J, I decided to TRY and act as if I respected him. Actually I did respect him very much when we married and for the first few years of our marriage. In choosing to act respectful to him, I had to look for way in which he deserved respect, and I could usually find some. He's not a bad person. He's just a flawed person in his own way, as we all are. But he doesn't want to heal his flaws, he holds on to them tightly.

So here's the problem. In my reading the books and articles that helped me choose to stay in my marriage, the implication/hope was that J would react/live up to my respect for him. He didn't. I guess the problem was that 'I' wasn't the one he wanted to please. I wasn't the one whose opinion about him he was worried about. He didn't care about what I went through all those years of waiting for him to notice me as a dependable, worthwhile person. I made my own life and found my own rewards, as did he.

But now (and I think this is the major issue for me right now) that his grandparents and mom are dead, he needs someone to fill their place, to provide for his emotionial support. He's never needed me for that before, he pushed me away. So it's not there now. We've developed a pattern during all these many years, and he all of a sudden wants to change. I feel insulted and he thinks I should feel honored. Go figure! To me it's like he's saying, well, there's no one else left, so it's your turn to be honored by me. He's acting as if we have the closeness we never developed.

So, my question is, what do you do if you've acted one way to keep your home peaceful for your family, and what you were reacting to was a lie. Meaning....I was acting as if my husband was honoring and respecting me, and he wasn't. Now, he wants to step in and be the way I was acting as if he were. (I know no one will be able to sort that sentence out!)

Damn. I've got to stop now because the direction I'm heading is where the whole thing should have ended up when I made the decision to act as if I had respect. Maybe it worked after all. But it took soooOOOOoooo long. I don't know if I care or not. I've denied my feelings for so long I don't know if I can feel truthful toward J. I don't see him as the person he's acting somewhat like now.

And....he didn't turn to me until after everyone else was gone. There! I've said it. Now I'm gonna go and see what I mean by it. Am I just being a bitch, or am I correct in feeling that it doesn't matter now?

How can men miss so badly - the toilet, that is? That's what my daughter (A) asked me after she went for her drug test on Friday. Seems as if the whole Forestry Dept. were scheduled that same day. 'A' said the toilet was filthy - dripping. Yuk! No soap or water to wash your hands, and....as soon as you 'finish' you're handed a pen (and you can just guess what's on that pen) so you can sign a form. She said even touching the doorknob made her cringe. LOL! She said for 'some' reason she decided to smell her hand and she misjudged and touched her nose. When she got home she used half a bottle of disinfectent on her hands and her nose.

She came home to have her hair done and eat some spaghetti. It was good seeing her. She may be coming here next week instead of going home because her roommate is going to Canada on business. She (the roommate) had to get a passport. Wha zup with that?

J and I did well this weekend. I think that was because he didn't come home until Friday and then he and son #3 spent lots of time war gaming at Little Wars. See, I told you we do so good when we're not together. LOL! Easy weekend for me. I heated some yummy meat pies I got from Chris' Friday, and Saturday we had the spaghetti I fixed on Friday. This morning J made pancakes and then we ordered out Chinese this evening. We watched 3 Sherlock episodes. I even got me vacuuming done while the guys were at Little Wars this afternoon. I live such a mundane life. Sigh!

Son #1 finally called yesterday. His move to WA went smoothly. He asked for $50 to pay for a pet deposit at his new place - not nearly what I was expecting him to need. I worry so about him. His well-being has strengthened my faith. SOMEBODY has to be watching over him.

Son #2 still in New Orlelans working. He should be back mid-week. He and son #3 plan to go see Star Wars. They usually go to midnight shows but I think they are sold out.

I need to loose weight, and I'm working on that. Sporadically, but, hey.... I want to do something to make money, but what? I could go back to teaching? I think I would like to take jewelry making classes. That shouldn't require much room. I need to get in touch with my uncle and get as much info as I can on my mom's side of the family. They never talked that much about it and I wasn't that interested at the time. I'd like to know more now. I need to work on the bathrooms - tiling floors and a tub surround. Not sure if we are going to tackle that or hire it out, either way I need to choose the tile. I need to select colors for the outside of the house and the AL house. I need to get someone to redo the front and side flowerbeds. I need to get someone to come give estimates on doing what we want done on the back of the house.

I'm getting tired just thinking of all the things I need to do, so I think I'll go to bed. Nite!

It's almost midnight and I'm sitting here waiting for son #1 to call from Oregon. He's moving to Washington tomorrow - an hour or so away so he says - and for some reason he wants to talk to me and his dad. I have a feeling I know what it's about. He needs deposit money for his two dogs so they can stay in his apartment. He wants me to talk to someone's stepmom because she set up the move. I don't know what in the hell is going on and it's getting more complicated by the moment. I'm not good at these kinds of things and J - who is - is in bed asleep. I'll end up promising whatever they ask for if I'm not careful. I'm a soft touch when it comes to my kids. Especially when they are at the other end of the country and I have NO idea what's going on with them.

Today was one of those days when I thought everything was going to be simple. I had caught up on most of the time consuming chores earlier in the week, had a simple meal planned, but I ended up doing one thing after another and it seemed I'd never finish. I think days like this happen because I do think everything is under control, and since everything is under control, I can add a few more things quickly with no problem. Yeah! But I did make a pot of spaghetti for tomorrow while tonight's dinner was in the oven. I'm rarely so organized. I do one thing at a time. Maybe tomorrow will be a breeze. Sure!

Now for today's thoughts on my marriage. J came in from out-of-state. We ate, and he and son #3 went to a War Games group meeting. When they got back, son #1 had called me and him and we wondered what was going on. J told me he had had a busy, but satisfying week last week, and had another busy week ahead next week.

I've been feeling foolish about everything I've been writing. It seems so trvial, trite, shrill.... I don't know what to call it. I do know that that's what happens when we become immersed in the AL house/situation. It's been going on for so long now - over 3 years. I'm tired of it. I don't want to keep thinking about that house, working on that house, writing monthly checks for bills on that house. It makes me want out of this marriage.

I have to admit that I'm not doing anything to get out, and it embarrasses me. I think the fact that we spend so much time apart is the reason. Odd! I have time to cool off and loose my momentum.

Well, damm. I just lost half of this blog. Oh, well. To sum up, I wrote that, after I married and realized the situation I was in, I had two choices - to leave or to stay and make things as positive as I could. I read books, listened to 'experts,' and decided that the best I could do was to treat J with respect with the hope that he would live up to how he was being treated. It didn't work. He assumed he deserved it. I was losing respect for myself.

Umm....It's late, I'm losing focus, son #3 hasn't called back, so....I'm going to bed.

Tomorrow's another day. =8-0

I think the heat is here to stay, until November or December or January. It has been 90 degrees for two days now and the night time temps aren't going below 60. Pretty soon lows will be in the 70's. I waited to do my washing and drying until 9 pm or so. Summer down here takes lots of planning. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can book a house on the coast before rates go up. The water should be nice now.

I painted some test boards the chile pepper red that I painted an accent wall in our family room. ....It came out a tad brighter than I anticipated. :( So now I'm trying to find a technique to use that might tone it down. I'm thinking about ragging. I did the same thing with the same wall a couple of years ago. I use a color named Flower Pot then - an orange like Home Depot orange. I liked it but I could tell it startled other people so I sponge on a mocha glaze and it toned it down nicely. So I'm going to rag the test boards and see what happens. Quicker than repainting - I hope.

I started to post earlier today when I had some specifics on my mind, but got busy doing something or other. I hope I can remember them now. Last night I thought about posting some of my faults instead of just J's. I haven't done that because I'm all too aware of a good many of my own faults, and the purpose of this blog is to see what comes out regarding my feelings about J. I think some of my faults are screaming from between the lines as I complain about J.

I've said this before, but our problems come when he brings in things that aren't a part of our lives and tries to insert them in our lives. We do well when we keep things about us and our family. I know I'm not saying this well so let me give an example. All through our married lives whenever we needed to make a decision - like move to another house, buy a car, change jobs - J wouldn't keep considerations to just him, me, and our kids. He would always say he needed to think about what his mom and grandmom 'might' need from him someday.

If they needed something I would have understood his concern. But....they were married, doing well, and helping us. I told J that we could show our appreciation by using their help to become stronger so if they needed help in the future, we could give it. At the time we couldn't have helped them if the need HAD been there. He wouldn't buy a new house or car because he wanted to be able to help his mom and/or grandmom. ???? How!?!? When I told him we needed to be thinking about our kids he told me I was jealous of his mom and grandmom. It was all downhill after that. I don't think he really wanted to help them; I think he just wanted to be able to think he could be responsible for them and save them and make them happy. And he wanted me and the kids to feel responsible for them and their feelings.

He never helped me shop for the kids at Christmas. He just criticized me for spending too much. Yet he was soooo concerned about making his mom, grandmom, and grandfather happy. He would hold it against me for years if he thought one of them had had a moment of unhappiness. I could go for hours with stories about the holidays, but I won't. ;) I know I seem to be obsessing, and I guess I am. I'm using this as a safety valve to spew forth my frustration. ....Not good holding it inside.

Before I forget, I want to say something positive about J. He has always provided for us. He has insisted that I work when he wanted me to work, and then quit when he wanted me to quit and travel with him. He has tried to make me and the kids feel guilty about him having to work, but he has worked.

Now see, I can't even make a simple positive statement and leave it alone. J has never been able to keep one job for long. True, he always managed to find another one, but if his ego was threatened at a job, he'd quit. That's why he started traveling, so he could leave a job if and when he chose. The traveling was really hard on the kids and me. He waited to hit the road until the older three had finished high school, but it was still difficult. Because one of his mom's husbands had traveled doing contract work, J thought it looked fun. He didn't realize that that particular husband lived that lifestyle because he was an alcoholic and couldn't hold a job for long. Duh!

Anywho.... Well, this post has not turned out to be as positive as I'd planned. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

After not going to bed until 2:30 last night, I slept in until 9:40 this morning. Having son #3 home is a bad influence on me. He and son #2 played an online game until - well, after I went to bed. Son #2 is at his apartment across the river. He goes back to New Orleans tomorrow for the weekend to work. It seems all my children are ending up in New Orleans.

Son #1 called from Oregon this evening. He's moving about 2 hours away to someplace in Washington. I worry so about him. If I didn't believe in a higher power, I think I'd go crazy. He has to have some powerful guardian angels with him. Even he thinks so.

I stayed on NutriSystem today. I so need to loose some weight and having that left over food is working out fine. With all the work I've done lately I can't believe I haven't lost an ounce. Sigh!

I realize that I have a pattern to my feelings, emotions. After a couple of days of J being away, I start feeling flashes of tenderness for him. He'll call and, on his own, say something about 'when' we sell the AL house. I don't say anything to him, but I try and not take what he says too seriously. That's when we have trouble - when I believe and start acting on what he says.

He went to a movie with a friend. It will be the second time he's seen it because it's the same one he and the boys saw last weekend. J just likes to be around people - as long as they laugh at his jokes and pay attention to him. Nothing wrong with that, except, by far, most of the people he latches on to are seriously flawed. Some are nice people, but ones that need taking care of.

J is the type person who doesn't want to pay full price for anything - monetary, emotional, educational....you name it. He wants the perks, but doesn't think he has to earn them like everyone else. He tries to manipulate people and situations like his grandmom did. She was the master! I guess many of us are manipulative, so I'm not judging, just observing. He actually tells me I should use my wiles (sp ?) to fool him. We are so very different in so many ways. I don't want to sound as if I'm bragging, but....I 'try' to respect and adjust to his differences because that's HIM, where he tells me my differences are bad and wrong. To me, that shows no respect to me as a person.

So today went smoothly as far as J and I are concerned, I guess because he and I are not close enough to rub each other the wrong way.

I'm to the point that, most of the time, my dream is to be on my own. I think I'd feel the relief, comfort, and freedom to live my life more joyfully. I can't seem to do that with J.

Just got back from Walmart. It was a bit embarrassing - or should have been. I had two buggies full of stuff and someone had to help me roll them to the car. I think the checker could have fit it all in one buggy (I did) but the manager (I think it was) came and was helping to bag my stuff. I got there around 10:30 pm and it was still busy. Took me two hours, but I'll sleep in tomorrow. That's what I get from putting off going to the store for a couple of weeks. But I've been painting, doing some yard maintenance, spraying the house with JoMax, and we can't forget the yard sale.

I cleaned the house today. Took my time and did a pretty thorough job. I washed 3 loads of clothes Monday night and they are still piled up waiting to be folded. Tomorrow will be a week since I sprayed the Asian Jasmine in front with Roundup. It's supposed to be looking sick, according to the guy I talked to who is supposed to know. It doesn't look very sick to me. In fact, it's still trying to cover the house. We'll see what happens. I have a feeling I'll be spraying in a few more times.

I'm hesitating to write anything about J. I feel like it's stupid and makes me look stupid, but that's the reason for this blog. Not to make me look stupid, but I want to see if I can detect any pattern to my feelings. I want to see if anything comes of this.

OK. J went back to TX for the work week. He left around 6:30. Sometimes he leaves around 4:30, and other times around 8. It depends on when he wake up. He has a pretty good set up at the moment. He can work from Monday through Thursday and come home Thrusday nights. He puts in long work days to do this. This is the first time in more than 10 years that he's been able to spend regular time at home. And it's the first time for me, too. If J works a contract too far away, I usually go with him. We have a 5th wheel that we pull. When he took this TX job it gave me a chance to stay home and do some much needed work on this house. While we were away during the years, one or two of our kids would sometimes stay home, and other times the house sat empty. Neither situation helps in keeping up with a house.

I eased into my 'J's away' mode, and so did son #3 - he's home from school. It's so different during the week when J's away than on the weekends when he's home. No regular meals to fix, no picking up after another person, etc. When he comes home it's hard for both of us to adjust. Many people wonder if I get lonely. I don't because there is usually always one of the kids here, usually with a friend or two in tow.

So, today I have been so busy with our family stuff that J and his problems didn't come to mind. Except when he called and talked about which bank to put the money from the house in Baton Rouge we sold. Wouldn't you think that the money would go to your local bank? Nope. It went to the account his mom had in AL. J swore that account paid more interest and wanted it there until he decided what to do with it. I told him to check our local bank because rate couldn't be that different. He wouldn't. I could tell he was listening but didn't hear me. He's good at that. Once he's decided something is one way, he's not going to change how he feels. I think he feels threatend or insecure when he realizes he didn't have something or someone figured out correctly. Instead of saying, "Wow. I misjudged that/him/her." He'll make excuses and say if such and such hadn't happened things would have been as he had them figured.

Umm.... It's late and I'm not making much sense. And I wish I had a dollar for every time I've used the word 'stuff' in this post. And those white Walmart bags are just sitting on the kitchen floor. I did put away the frozen and refrigerator items, but the rest is going to sleep on the kitchen floor.

Midnight and all's well. After yet another day of dealing with junk, I'm finally clean, sweet smelling, and sitting here comfortably with a cup of hot tea trying to put my thoughts into words. J and I worked on cleaning up the yard after the weekend sale. All last Friday as we were pulling and putting things out for the sale, he kept telling me that whatever didn't sale was going to be hauled off. Ha! I had my doubts, yet must admit that I was hopeful he would actually do what he was saying he would do and we could put an end to dealing with all this crap.

But, that didn't happen. He did haul off lots of stuff to the Goodwill and other places that take donations, but kept enough to 'seed' another yard sale. He just doesn't get it. The problem is that he promised our son and daughter and daughter's roommate (who helped with his estate sale in AL) that whatever didn't sale would be hauled off - would not go back into that house. It didn't happen. Then he tells me the same thing. And again it didn't happen. So, instead of having a realitively clean and orderly storage building (actually 2 storage buildings - he bought a 2nd one because one wouldn't hold all his stuff) tonight both buildings are just as messy and there are still things in the yard covered with tarps.

OK, enough with the obsessing about yard sales. I sound whiny even to myself. It's just that (here I go again) we have so much to do around our house that I do not want to deal with stuff that's not even J's or mine. It's been over three years for G-d's sake! If he wants to hold the stuff close and keep it around, more power to him. The problems start when he wants me or the kids to take care of all the crap because he's tired of doing it. I say, "Nope! It's yours. I helped all I could for years, now I'm tired of it. " Having all that stuff weighs one down. J was exhausted dealing with it all weekend. He doesn't even care that it's situations like this that keep us the way we are - at odds with each other. I sometimes think he doesn't know what feels normal in a marriage because of the really screwed up life he lived with his mom and grandmom. If that's the case, I don't think there's anything I can do. What we have may seem normal to him.

Throughout our marriage I've had a couple of people - including members of J's family - ask why I stay. It's not that J's a bad person. He has a good heart and many good qualities. He's always provided for us as he sees fit. It's just that he always depended on his grandparents. Any decision that he had to make, he would go to them - and they would call other family members and make sure everyone knew J needed their support. Some of these family members told me that I should stop J from doing this so that he and I could learn to support each other. Ha! I tried. I tried to show that I could be counted on. I got my degree. I got a teaching job. I took care of all the children's activities. I'm not saying I did a perfect job, but I did everything I knew how to do. And....everything J wanted me to do. He said from the beginning that he didn't want me to lean on him too much. So I tried to show him that I could stand on my own and be the kind of help to him that he 'said' he wanted. But in the eary years, he didn't want my help, he wanted his grandparents' help. He admitted he had troubel trusting me. I didn't do anything to make him not trust me; he started out not trusting me.

If I had been older, more experienced, and wiser, I would never have married him. He talked a good game - still does. But following through is another thing. He always tells me that his mom would make promises to him when she was drunk and then how disappointed he would be when she didn't keep her word. He does the same thing - but he doesn't drink. Looking back, I guess the reason I've stayed is because for years I was so busy with the kids and teaching that I didn't have time to think about and plan leaving. Dumb? You bet cha.

Why am I still here now? Because J won't leave. Years ago, after I finally 'heard' what he was saying when he would tell me I wasn't what he wanted, I didn't have that special thing like he did, I wasn't this, didn't have that....I told him to go, find someone else, be happy. I was serious. I tell him the same thing now - told him that today as a matter of fact. But....he won't go. I think the only reason we're still together is because he works away from home all week. Odd that the thing that would break up many marriages is what's keeping our together.

Well, he heads back to work inTX tomorrow. He took today off to finish dealing with his stuff. I should hate to say it, but I feel relieved. The kids feel the same way. It's not that they don't love him, they do. I'm not sure what it is, but there is a sense of relief when he's gone. Things run so much smoother.

On to better things. Son #3 has finals this week. He has two A's so far. He's the one I home schooled from 5th grade on so we could travel in a 5th wheel as J moved from job to job. So when he (son #3, who's a J, too) started college I felt as if I was being tested as much as he was. He's doing good and I'm so proud of him. Our daughter (A) talked to her new employer today and she starts next Monday as long as she passes her drug screen - which she will. She was worried about the Hurricane she had at Pat O's last weekend in New Orleans. smile! I am so proud of her. I know I'll worry about the drive she'll have to make each day. But she's a smart chick and will handle it.

That just leaves sons #1 & 2. What can I say about them? They are handsome, smart young men whom I love with all my heart. And....if you have room on your prayer lists, add them.

Well, I think I'll head to bed. I have to clean this house tomorrow. It's a holy mess (whatever that is). And I need to go worship at the Walmart alter this week and restock this house with food, light bulbs, and many of the other goodies you can get there. I buy soft drinks at Winn Dixie, but Walmart's prices just can't be beat for some things.

Another day of working together for hours apparently at cross purposes. Second day of yard sale. Went as well as yesterday - few people buying few things. I did reconnect with my next door neighbor. We had not seen each other for 10 years or so before today. What a shame. Lots of excuses: I've been traveling with J in a 5th wheel homeschooling our last child for over 10 years so we've been away from home for months at a time, our houses are indeed sitting right smack next to each other, but my house is angled on a cul-de-sac and we have no windows on the side of the house that face each other, plus there is a privacy fence.... I could probably think of other reasons for not staying in touch with my nex-door neighbor, but truth be told, I was just lazy. I didin't put out the energy to stay in touch - and I guess I thought I might be intruding if I did pop over or whatever. Anywho....we reconnected today in the heat of my back yard and it was nice. Her daughter (who I remember as a wee little girl) has a 9 month old. Her grandson is a Marine and she's fearful that he may be headed to Iraq.

J and I worked for 6 hours pulling things out of the storage building, sorting, etc. When we finished, even though we had seemingly been working as a team, if was as if we each had a different purpose, and opposing purposes. He didn't even say thanks. In fact, he seemes aggravated that he was having to give up the things that didn't sale. He promised that he would load up anything that didn't sale and haul it away, but I have a feeling that that's not what going to happen. HE was the one who kept saying all weekend that he was going to get rid of anything that didn't sale, but one or two people asked if he was going to have another sale (there was SO much stuff left) and I think that gave him an excuse to not get rid of things - once more.

I am so trying to not sound like a whiner in these posts. I am trying to be accountable for what I'm saying. I know people who hear my complaining will probably wonder why I just don't change my circumstances if I'm unhappy. It seems so simple, yet I find it difficult to unhook myself from J even though, most of the time now I think it would be the best for us both. For years, when J would complain about me not being this or that, I would tell him to go and find someone who could be what he wanted. But he won't leave. How do you get someone to leave when they won't? He works out of state all week and is only home on the weekends. I think that is what is making this thing stretch on and on and on and on and....

Funny thing is, we do fine - even good - when it's just us. We can have fun, and feel close. But, then he always brings in his family. His mom and grandmom are both dead yet still here. J has both their cars sitting in our driveway. He has their house sitting with no one in it for over 3 years. He has their clothes and books and other stuff sitting in our back yard trying to sale it. He has their jewelry and furs in our drawers and closets. He is not living a life with me and his kids, he is still living with his mom and grandmom - and they aren't even here anymore. I understand that grieving takes time - a different amount of time for each person. But J thinks that we should grieve along with him. And he's been at it for over 3 years. He doesn't want to get rid of his mom's clothes or books because she was so into clothes and books. That's fine. He has their house where he could leave them, but he won't do that. He wants me and/or the kids to use the stuff. If he would hold onto the stuff and say that it was hard for him, that he wasn't ready to let go, that would be one thing. But he wants those around him to feel the same way. That's not possible. His grandmom and mom were good people in their own way, but they cause lots of problems in their immediate family. I don't feel for his parents as he does, and he doesn't feel for my parents as I do. What's not normal about that?

Sigh! The more I write, the more demented I sound. That's one reason I'm doing this. If I can express myself so that others can understand and reason with me, maybe I can figure out how to help J. And maybe I can figure out what feelings I have are wrong and/or correct.

Maybe it's the wine talking tonight - I came close to finishing the bottle by my lonesome. We grilled steaks and they were good. At least everyone said they were good. I had the leftover shrimp stuffed chicken. Yummy!

My oldest son - the one who marches to his own drummer - is in Oregon. He goes for months sometimes without calling. Lately he's been keeping in touch pretty good. But he didn't call today to wish me happy Mother's Day. Odds were that he wouldn't, but it still hurts.

Sheesh! I might as well admit that it's been a bummer of a day. But there's always tomorrow. 8-0

I think I need another glass of wine....

To stay or not to stay......

An uneasy truce is how the day was spent. The yard sale was so-so. I did not go out, but it was a moot point because there was no need for me to. I probably would have if I had been needed. I did sleep til I woke (if you know what I mean), making no attempt to be up and ready to be of help. I did not feel guilty, which was good.

I spent an easy day, not doing much at all. After the end of the yard sale, J, son #2, and son #3 went to a movie. I was invited, but opted to stay home with a rum and coke and Brit coms. It was nice to have a couple hours of alone time.

My daughter called with news that she got a job offer. A good offer, but not quite as good as she was hoping for. She will have to drive over an hour, but she wants to stay in the city where she finished grad school. She has turned down two jobs with the FBI because of that. Her journey, her choice.

I'm looking forward to a fine Mother's Day tomorrow - NOT! I'll most likely help finish cleaning out the storage building and packing up all the unsold crap. It's things like that that interrupt the flow of our lives, and those things have nothing to do with us. Those things are part of J's life that he won't let go of. They don't include me and the kids. He has so much baggage that he won't give up that there is not much room for us.

Happy Mother's Day to one and all.

Well, well, well, my first time to blog. Things move somewhat slowly down south, I guess. Just kidding! I know many of us down here have been blogging away for some time now - just not me. Till now. Better late than never?!?!

All right. My reason for starting this is to try and keep a record of my thoughts and see if I can determine a pattern to these thoughts. I'm gonna come right out and say it - I'm trying to decide whether or not to stay with my husband. Instead of writing a lengthly background (and it would be lengthy because we've been married F-O-R-E-V-E-R (or so it seems) - I'm not good with numbers so I usually just round things off), I'm just going to let things unfold in my daily writings. Odd that I feel this is/will be like a private journal. It will be interesting to see how it goes. If my husband should come across this, I don't think he would be too surprised. So, here goes....

As I write this tonight, we have been outside allll day cleaning out a metal building in our back yard and setting things out for a yard sale tomorrow that J (my husband) wants to have. He wants to have this sale mainly to try and sale the books and stuff of his mom and grandmom that didn't sale in his first garage sale. His grandmom passed away in the late 90's, and his mom died about three years ago. (There's that nunbers thing again.) J inherited their house. His grandmom had lived there for over 40 years and his mom for 10 years or so. They were both packrats so that house was absolutely full of stuff.

J was very close to and felt very responsible for his grandmom and mom. He had a chaotic unbringing. So, when he got the house he didn't want to change anything. He wanted to move there - wanted us to move there, so he said. I don't know if he really wanted to move there or if he just couldn't stand to change things. Long story short, J travels with his job, so the house just set there. I think it would have sat there even if J didn't have to travel. He said he wanted to use it as a vacation house for us and our children. We have four children, three sons and one daughter. Well, that house was so full and so yucky from just sitting there that no one wanted to go there except J.

Oop! I somehow just lost the rest of my post. Oh, well, it was way too long anyway. I'll just quickly recap.

J wouldn't go see about that house, but he wouldn't shut up about trying to make the kids and me feel guilty about us not going up there. So, a little over a year ago, my daughter A, #3 son and I went up to check on it. The icemaker had leaked, there was 3 inches of water in the kitchen, soggy carpet in the den, and mold everywhere - inside drawers and closets - everywhere! The three of us doned gloves and masks and pulled everything out of the house onto the carport. It took us three days and we stayed in a motel. J came up to help after everything was out. Since then we have painted, had the wood floors refinished, updated light fixtures, and other odds and ends. There are still things to do, but we are getting there.

The house has become an ongoing source of irritation. J won't decide to sale, rent, or just let it sit there. I think it is wasteful and ridiculous. We pay over $100 a month for it to just sit there, and we are not wealthy people. It seems as if this will never be setteled. That's why I'm not happy having a yardful of stuff that, for the second time, J is going to try and sale.

I told J that I would not help sale the stuff. It embarrasses me to stand there while people look at stuff that's junky and dirty. #2 and #3 sons are here so maybe they will help out if needed. I don't know if many people will show up on Mother's Day weekend.

My plans are to sleep til I wake (duh!), get up, put on a pot of coffee, and see what happens. Best of luck to him.