I had my first ever facial last week......

Maybe my next one will go better. I think the idea of a facial is to relax and be pampered? Well, honey chile, I'm here to tell you that I couldn't begin to do either one. Well....not for the first 15 minutes or so -- I did better as things progressed....much better. :)

I think my problem was that I entered into the whole thing with a preconceived notion that this is how it would go:

1.) Sit in chair

2.) Facial-giving person would then put some stuff on my face that would tighten & tingle.

3.) I would thank her, pay, and ....that would be it.

Well......that's not exactly how it went. You see, my facial-giving person/facialist (if that's not a word -- it should be) is also a masseuse. Which means she has a table instead of a chair. And, apparently, she can't resist massaging -- even when she's only giving a facial.

So, here's how my facial went:

1.) I walk in expecting to sit in one of the chairs I so often sit in while someone magically erases all hints of grey from my hair having my hair cut.

2.) My facialist (legit word or not -- I'm declaring it legit for today) hands me a form to fill out. When I'm done, she knows more about me than my husband.

3.) I realize I'm not gonna be sittin' in one of those familiar chairs. I'm going to be lying down on that table in the back room. (!!) The very table those men who are put on her "do not book" list lie on. (You know the ones. The ones who, even though she puts a warm stone on their foreheads....there is still a visible rise under the sheet.

4.) Standing in the darkened back room -- with it's new-age music and it's light effects -- (practicing deep-breathing while furiously repeating comforting, encouraging words to myself such as -- "You idiot! You provincial-minded moron, what do you think's going to happen to you right here in a beauty salon! It's only a facial, you fool!") -- I hear her say, "I usually suggest my clients remove their tops because I do a litte massaging." Jesus Christ! I just want a frickin' facial! What have I gotten myself into!

*At this point, I know many are shaking their heads thinking what an uptight, inexperienced, dufus I am. I know this because that's exactly what I was thinking at the time. I was alternating between moments of sheer panic (??) and moments where I had to contain myself so I wouldn't laugh outloud -- at myself. To continue....

5.) My facialist/(now) masseuse leaves the room so I can "disrobe". I think, "She said it was up to me. I don't have to take anything off. But....if I don't she may think I think she's weird." So....I decide to remove my t-shirt. Then I notice my bra. Oh, Lord God! What about the bra! I decide to keep the bra on so she won't think I'm coming on to her. ???? (At this point -- even while writing this -- I'm slapping my own face for being such a fool. But....I can't seem to stop it.)

6.) Top off. Bra firmly in place, I climb onto the table. I've just gotta say here that that was one freakin' high table for someone who's all of 5 feet. But....I make it onto the table -- where the sheets are. BIG smile here. I know to get under the sheets. I know this because I remember hearing my facialist/(now) masseuse tell about a male-hottie-client who didn't know that he was supposed to cover himself with the sheet. ....She said she almost didn't tell him to get under the sheets because he had such a hot bod.

7.) I am now under the sheets (with bra in place). In walks my facialist/(now) masseuse. The room is darkened. The music's softly playing in the background. The water feature's doing it's thing. She sits behind me and tells me she usually doesn't talk much so I can enjoy the experience. (!! Jeeeeezzzzuuuussss! I just expected someone to put some tingly stuff on my face. That's what I thought enjoyment was!) But, she says, if I have any questions, just ask them. Sounds lovely, huh? ....Not exactly. Not to someone who is by now wondering if they are much more neurotic than they ever realized. So....as she begins to do her thing, instead of relaxing, I'm lying there wondering if I should also be silent or if I'm obligated to respond appreciatively (sp?? I'm not even gonna check) with ooooo's and ahhhhh's. I'm still having to surpress the laughter (at myself), and the thinking that I should be helping her by handing her things and.....whatever.

To cut to the chase...... I finally got into the experience and "almost" totally enjoyed it. She spritzed these yummy scents, massaged shoulders, arms, and hands (yes, I probably should have taken off my bra!), and she did indeed put something tingly on my face (along with lots of other stuff).

Next time (and there will be a next time), I hope to be able to just -- strip, climb on the table, and wait to be ministered to.