Another day of working together for hours apparently at cross purposes. Second day of yard sale. Went as well as yesterday - few people buying few things. I did reconnect with my next door neighbor. We had not seen each other for 10 years or so before today. What a shame. Lots of excuses: I've been traveling with J in a 5th wheel homeschooling our last child for over 10 years so we've been away from home for months at a time, our houses are indeed sitting right smack next to each other, but my house is angled on a cul-de-sac and we have no windows on the side of the house that face each other, plus there is a privacy fence.... I could probably think of other reasons for not staying in touch with my nex-door neighbor, but truth be told, I was just lazy. I didin't put out the energy to stay in touch - and I guess I thought I might be intruding if I did pop over or whatever. Anywho....we reconnected today in the heat of my back yard and it was nice. Her daughter (who I remember as a wee little girl) has a 9 month old. Her grandson is a Marine and she's fearful that he may be headed to Iraq.

J and I worked for 6 hours pulling things out of the storage building, sorting, etc. When we finished, even though we had seemingly been working as a team, if was as if we each had a different purpose, and opposing purposes. He didn't even say thanks. In fact, he seemes aggravated that he was having to give up the things that didn't sale. He promised that he would load up anything that didn't sale and haul it away, but I have a feeling that that's not what going to happen. HE was the one who kept saying all weekend that he was going to get rid of anything that didn't sale, but one or two people asked if he was going to have another sale (there was SO much stuff left) and I think that gave him an excuse to not get rid of things - once more.

I am so trying to not sound like a whiner in these posts. I am trying to be accountable for what I'm saying. I know people who hear my complaining will probably wonder why I just don't change my circumstances if I'm unhappy. It seems so simple, yet I find it difficult to unhook myself from J even though, most of the time now I think it would be the best for us both. For years, when J would complain about me not being this or that, I would tell him to go and find someone who could be what he wanted. But he won't leave. How do you get someone to leave when they won't? He works out of state all week and is only home on the weekends. I think that is what is making this thing stretch on and on and on and on and....

Funny thing is, we do fine - even good - when it's just us. We can have fun, and feel close. But, then he always brings in his family. His mom and grandmom are both dead yet still here. J has both their cars sitting in our driveway. He has their house sitting with no one in it for over 3 years. He has their clothes and books and other stuff sitting in our back yard trying to sale it. He has their jewelry and furs in our drawers and closets. He is not living a life with me and his kids, he is still living with his mom and grandmom - and they aren't even here anymore. I understand that grieving takes time - a different amount of time for each person. But J thinks that we should grieve along with him. And he's been at it for over 3 years. He doesn't want to get rid of his mom's clothes or books because she was so into clothes and books. That's fine. He has their house where he could leave them, but he won't do that. He wants me and/or the kids to use the stuff. If he would hold onto the stuff and say that it was hard for him, that he wasn't ready to let go, that would be one thing. But he wants those around him to feel the same way. That's not possible. His grandmom and mom were good people in their own way, but they cause lots of problems in their immediate family. I don't feel for his parents as he does, and he doesn't feel for my parents as I do. What's not normal about that?

Sigh! The more I write, the more demented I sound. That's one reason I'm doing this. If I can express myself so that others can understand and reason with me, maybe I can figure out how to help J. And maybe I can figure out what feelings I have are wrong and/or correct.

Maybe it's the wine talking tonight - I came close to finishing the bottle by my lonesome. We grilled steaks and they were good. At least everyone said they were good. I had the leftover shrimp stuffed chicken. Yummy!

My oldest son - the one who marches to his own drummer - is in Oregon. He goes for months sometimes without calling. Lately he's been keeping in touch pretty good. But he didn't call today to wish me happy Mother's Day. Odds were that he wouldn't, but it still hurts.

Sheesh! I might as well admit that it's been a bummer of a day. But there's always tomorrow. 8-0

I think I need another glass of wine....