Midnight and all's well. After yet another day of dealing with junk, I'm finally clean, sweet smelling, and sitting here comfortably with a cup of hot tea trying to put my thoughts into words. J and I worked on cleaning up the yard after the weekend sale. All last Friday as we were pulling and putting things out for the sale, he kept telling me that whatever didn't sale was going to be hauled off. Ha! I had my doubts, yet must admit that I was hopeful he would actually do what he was saying he would do and we could put an end to dealing with all this crap.

But, that didn't happen. He did haul off lots of stuff to the Goodwill and other places that take donations, but kept enough to 'seed' another yard sale. He just doesn't get it. The problem is that he promised our son and daughter and daughter's roommate (who helped with his estate sale in AL) that whatever didn't sale would be hauled off - would not go back into that house. It didn't happen. Then he tells me the same thing. And again it didn't happen. So, instead of having a realitively clean and orderly storage building (actually 2 storage buildings - he bought a 2nd one because one wouldn't hold all his stuff) tonight both buildings are just as messy and there are still things in the yard covered with tarps.

OK, enough with the obsessing about yard sales. I sound whiny even to myself. It's just that (here I go again) we have so much to do around our house that I do not want to deal with stuff that's not even J's or mine. It's been over three years for G-d's sake! If he wants to hold the stuff close and keep it around, more power to him. The problems start when he wants me or the kids to take care of all the crap because he's tired of doing it. I say, "Nope! It's yours. I helped all I could for years, now I'm tired of it. " Having all that stuff weighs one down. J was exhausted dealing with it all weekend. He doesn't even care that it's situations like this that keep us the way we are - at odds with each other. I sometimes think he doesn't know what feels normal in a marriage because of the really screwed up life he lived with his mom and grandmom. If that's the case, I don't think there's anything I can do. What we have may seem normal to him.

Throughout our marriage I've had a couple of people - including members of J's family - ask why I stay. It's not that J's a bad person. He has a good heart and many good qualities. He's always provided for us as he sees fit. It's just that he always depended on his grandparents. Any decision that he had to make, he would go to them - and they would call other family members and make sure everyone knew J needed their support. Some of these family members told me that I should stop J from doing this so that he and I could learn to support each other. Ha! I tried. I tried to show that I could be counted on. I got my degree. I got a teaching job. I took care of all the children's activities. I'm not saying I did a perfect job, but I did everything I knew how to do. And....everything J wanted me to do. He said from the beginning that he didn't want me to lean on him too much. So I tried to show him that I could stand on my own and be the kind of help to him that he 'said' he wanted. But in the eary years, he didn't want my help, he wanted his grandparents' help. He admitted he had troubel trusting me. I didn't do anything to make him not trust me; he started out not trusting me.

If I had been older, more experienced, and wiser, I would never have married him. He talked a good game - still does. But following through is another thing. He always tells me that his mom would make promises to him when she was drunk and then how disappointed he would be when she didn't keep her word. He does the same thing - but he doesn't drink. Looking back, I guess the reason I've stayed is because for years I was so busy with the kids and teaching that I didn't have time to think about and plan leaving. Dumb? You bet cha.

Why am I still here now? Because J won't leave. Years ago, after I finally 'heard' what he was saying when he would tell me I wasn't what he wanted, I didn't have that special thing like he did, I wasn't this, didn't have that....I told him to go, find someone else, be happy. I was serious. I tell him the same thing now - told him that today as a matter of fact. But....he won't go. I think the only reason we're still together is because he works away from home all week. Odd that the thing that would break up many marriages is what's keeping our together.

Well, he heads back to work inTX tomorrow. He took today off to finish dealing with his stuff. I should hate to say it, but I feel relieved. The kids feel the same way. It's not that they don't love him, they do. I'm not sure what it is, but there is a sense of relief when he's gone. Things run so much smoother.

On to better things. Son #3 has finals this week. He has two A's so far. He's the one I home schooled from 5th grade on so we could travel in a 5th wheel as J moved from job to job. So when he (son #3, who's a J, too) started college I felt as if I was being tested as much as he was. He's doing good and I'm so proud of him. Our daughter (A) talked to her new employer today and she starts next Monday as long as she passes her drug screen - which she will. She was worried about the Hurricane she had at Pat O's last weekend in New Orleans. smile! I am so proud of her. I know I'll worry about the drive she'll have to make each day. But she's a smart chick and will handle it.

That just leaves sons #1 & 2. What can I say about them? They are handsome, smart young men whom I love with all my heart. And....if you have room on your prayer lists, add them.

Well, I think I'll head to bed. I have to clean this house tomorrow. It's a holy mess (whatever that is). And I need to go worship at the Walmart alter this week and restock this house with food, light bulbs, and many of the other goodies you can get there. I buy soft drinks at Winn Dixie, but Walmart's prices just can't be beat for some things.