I think the heat is here to stay, until November or December or January. It has been 90 degrees for two days now and the night time temps aren't going below 60. Pretty soon lows will be in the 70's. I waited to do my washing and drying until 9 pm or so. Summer down here takes lots of planning. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can book a house on the coast before rates go up. The water should be nice now.

I painted some test boards the chile pepper red that I painted an accent wall in our family room. ....It came out a tad brighter than I anticipated. :( So now I'm trying to find a technique to use that might tone it down. I'm thinking about ragging. I did the same thing with the same wall a couple of years ago. I use a color named Flower Pot then - an orange like Home Depot orange. I liked it but I could tell it startled other people so I sponge on a mocha glaze and it toned it down nicely. So I'm going to rag the test boards and see what happens. Quicker than repainting - I hope.

I started to post earlier today when I had some specifics on my mind, but got busy doing something or other. I hope I can remember them now. Last night I thought about posting some of my faults instead of just J's. I haven't done that because I'm all too aware of a good many of my own faults, and the purpose of this blog is to see what comes out regarding my feelings about J. I think some of my faults are screaming from between the lines as I complain about J.

I've said this before, but our problems come when he brings in things that aren't a part of our lives and tries to insert them in our lives. We do well when we keep things about us and our family. I know I'm not saying this well so let me give an example. All through our married lives whenever we needed to make a decision - like move to another house, buy a car, change jobs - J wouldn't keep considerations to just him, me, and our kids. He would always say he needed to think about what his mom and grandmom 'might' need from him someday.

If they needed something I would have understood his concern. But....they were married, doing well, and helping us. I told J that we could show our appreciation by using their help to become stronger so if they needed help in the future, we could give it. At the time we couldn't have helped them if the need HAD been there. He wouldn't buy a new house or car because he wanted to be able to help his mom and/or grandmom. ???? How!?!? When I told him we needed to be thinking about our kids he told me I was jealous of his mom and grandmom. It was all downhill after that. I don't think he really wanted to help them; I think he just wanted to be able to think he could be responsible for them and save them and make them happy. And he wanted me and the kids to feel responsible for them and their feelings.

He never helped me shop for the kids at Christmas. He just criticized me for spending too much. Yet he was soooo concerned about making his mom, grandmom, and grandfather happy. He would hold it against me for years if he thought one of them had had a moment of unhappiness. I could go for hours with stories about the holidays, but I won't. ;) I know I seem to be obsessing, and I guess I am. I'm using this as a safety valve to spew forth my frustration. ....Not good holding it inside.

Before I forget, I want to say something positive about J. He has always provided for us. He has insisted that I work when he wanted me to work, and then quit when he wanted me to quit and travel with him. He has tried to make me and the kids feel guilty about him having to work, but he has worked.

Now see, I can't even make a simple positive statement and leave it alone. J has never been able to keep one job for long. True, he always managed to find another one, but if his ego was threatened at a job, he'd quit. That's why he started traveling, so he could leave a job if and when he chose. The traveling was really hard on the kids and me. He waited to hit the road until the older three had finished high school, but it was still difficult. Because one of his mom's husbands had traveled doing contract work, J thought it looked fun. He didn't realize that that particular husband lived that lifestyle because he was an alcoholic and couldn't hold a job for long. Duh!

Anywho.... Well, this post has not turned out to be as positive as I'd planned. Maybe tomorrow will be better.