Letting go......

I've decided. I will spend this forty-day period of time practicing letting go. Yesterday, as I was thinking and deciding if I wanted to do this -- do it right, I realized I had already begun a journey I wanted to continue. So I will. I may need to do some research, I'm not sure. I am sure of how good it has already felt to let go (or at least to start letting go). I realize it will be a process for me.

I have come to a point in my life where I realize some things will never change -- or at least I realize I don't have the power to make them change. So, I am going to let go of as many of those things as I can. Instead of being angry, instead of being frustrated, instead of being resentful, I'm going to see if I can find a way to live with and accept things the way they are. If I can live an authentic life, if I can be happy, then....fine. If not, then I'll know I tried my best.

....This is sounding eeriely similar to what little I've heard of AA's Twelve Steps. Maybe I should read them.

Wouldn't you know soon after I decided this I would face a test? J. called and as often happens, we found our light and easy conversation had gone there again. We weren't talking anymore, we were beginning to argue. The instant I realized this, I knew I needed to stop doing what I was doing. It never worked. So I stopped. Then and there. I let it go. Part of why I could let it go was because I knew what he was doing and why he was doing it. And....I knew how it would end.

Instead of going to the usual places during our arguments, I'm letting go. I can't fix him, and I think that's what he wants. He'll admit it. His modis operandi is to try and get rid of his feelings by putting them on someone else. Then he thinks they are gone. Double whammy for him as I see it. They aren't gone and others are often hurt. He has to deal with his feelings. No one else can. I will not accept them anymore. Letting go....

I hope this process leads to us developing a better relationship. My fear is that it will lead to my not caring. He can't keep being the way he is and reacting the way he does if I've changed. I hope he will face some things he needs to face. I hope he'll realize neither I nor anyone else can face things for him.

I hope there is still something there once I finish letting go. My hope is that the empty space left from negative feelings will be filled with love, peace, and joy.