Weekend = tests......

All weekend I was tested on my Lenten intentions. I'm practicing letting go. Letting go of negative feelings and emotions I've held close. I've acquired this negativity by allowing others to pile their unwanted feelings and emotions onto me -- so they will be rid of them. I'm usually very receptive -- and then resentful, so I'm a player in this game, too.

My first test was Thursday. J. is very unhappy at work. He doesn't do well in any one place for very long. That's why he's spent most of his career traveling around the country. I truly think one of the reasons we've lasted so long is because we spend lots of time away from each other. Sounds crazy, huh? Anywho....from his talk and the phone calls, I think he's getting ready to go back on the road. Last night he asked me if I could live in Houston.

So....he comes in from work Thursday night and unloads on me when I ask if he wants a salad with supper. I responded with a quick (not suitable for print)reply and then.... I let it go. I didn't harp on it all night and I didn't hold it close and feel bad about it. I told him his actions wouldn't result in my support and left the ball in his court. We had little blowups like that off and on all weekend. Short ones because I refused to play or even feel angry or bad afterwards.

It really brought our relationship into focus -- for me. I realized how much time we spend getting over/trying to make up for what he's said. It takes a lot of energy.

All this is new to me. I don't know exactly how I reached the point where I stopped playing the game. But I do know how good it feels. It feels good not carrying around that resentment. Oh, it's still there and it still trys to rear it's ugly head. But there's less and less of it as I continue letting go.