Musings on marriage......

I usually post at night, or rather in the wee hours. Problem is, most of the ideas I want to write about come to me during the day. I just don't stop whatever I'm doing and write, and by the time I do sit down to this blog, I've forgotten what it was I wanted to write/think about. So....before I forget, I want to say something.

I started this blog because my marriage is and has almost aways been - the pits. Things have intensified lately (or re-intensified) and I wanted to see if this could be my safe place to put down my thoughts and spew out my frustrations. I want to see if I can make some sense out of my married life. I know I sound as if I'm whinning, as if I'm picking on my husband, J, while not mentioning my faults. Those things keep me from writing down some thoughts I would like to get out of my head, because I feel I'll 'look' bad. I can start sounding like a bitch even to myself. So, to anyone who thinks I think I'm Ms. Perfect - not so. I know I have plenty of faults. One of which is that I don't talk to or open up to people very often. Seems as if I'm the one others are usually talking to.

So, before I forget what I came here to say - here goes today's thoughts. I decided, years ago, to choose to stay with J for the children. Sounds lame, I know. We had really only one big issue and that was his grandparents and his mom. They lived in another state so we were able to keep things on simmer - until they came to visit and things tended to boil over. But, that's another story. In choosing to stay with J, I decided to TRY and act as if I respected him. Actually I did respect him very much when we married and for the first few years of our marriage. In choosing to act respectful to him, I had to look for way in which he deserved respect, and I could usually find some. He's not a bad person. He's just a flawed person in his own way, as we all are. But he doesn't want to heal his flaws, he holds on to them tightly.

So here's the problem. In my reading the books and articles that helped me choose to stay in my marriage, the implication/hope was that J would react/live up to my respect for him. He didn't. I guess the problem was that 'I' wasn't the one he wanted to please. I wasn't the one whose opinion about him he was worried about. He didn't care about what I went through all those years of waiting for him to notice me as a dependable, worthwhile person. I made my own life and found my own rewards, as did he.

But now (and I think this is the major issue for me right now) that his grandparents and mom are dead, he needs someone to fill their place, to provide for his emotionial support. He's never needed me for that before, he pushed me away. So it's not there now. We've developed a pattern during all these many years, and he all of a sudden wants to change. I feel insulted and he thinks I should feel honored. Go figure! To me it's like he's saying, well, there's no one else left, so it's your turn to be honored by me. He's acting as if we have the closeness we never developed.

So, my question is, what do you do if you've acted one way to keep your home peaceful for your family, and what you were reacting to was a lie. Meaning....I was acting as if my husband was honoring and respecting me, and he wasn't. Now, he wants to step in and be the way I was acting as if he were. (I know no one will be able to sort that sentence out!)

Damn. I've got to stop now because the direction I'm heading is where the whole thing should have ended up when I made the decision to act as if I had respect. Maybe it worked after all. But it took soooOOOOoooo long. I don't know if I care or not. I've denied my feelings for so long I don't know if I can feel truthful toward J. I don't see him as the person he's acting somewhat like now.

And....he didn't turn to me until after everyone else was gone. There! I've said it. Now I'm gonna go and see what I mean by it. Am I just being a bitch, or am I correct in feeling that it doesn't matter now?