What exactly can one expect from marriage? This thought/question came to me last night. I started to get back on the 'puter and put my thoughts down, but....went to sleep (or something) instead. Usually, when I do that I don't remember what is is I wanted to say the next time I'm at my computer. But, I've remember this all day. I've thought about it off and on.

Here's what I've come up with. Is what I have 'enough?' I have a husband who loves me as best he can. At least I think he does. He's told me before that he loves me as much as he can love anyone. I truly believe that his past has hampered what we could have had. He has always provided for me and the kids -- even if, at times, his choices weren't what I liked. Ummmm....what else?

Now. What I don't have is a man who I feel loves me for who I am. He wants/expects someone to pleasure him at all times. If my choices/desires won't do anything for him, I'll have hell to pay and most likely won't get whatever I'd like unless I do it myself, and he'll certainly make life miserable for me. I may be fooling myself, but I don't think he knows how to sacrifice for someone else.

I also don't have a man who I want to be with anymore. It takes so much energy to make my self pretend, or to just be with him. In a way it's odd. J wants so to please others. He wants to do for others and be noticed. It's his family that he puts at the end of his list.

So, we have a business relationship. Sort of. Is that enough? Me thinks not. Now....what to do about it?

Whew! On to the more mundane....

Today was good. Even though I didn't sleep well, it was good. As usual, I had the fan on by my bed last night (I've gotten used to it as kind of white noise), and I think the air was blowing on 'something' that kept waking me up. At one point, I thought someone was in my room. I'd wake up enough to wonder what it was that was waking me up, but then I'd go back to sleep before I could figure it out. A couple of times lately, around 4:30 am, the backyard security lights have come on and waked me up. Don't know what's up with that!

Anywho, it was one of those days where I felt as if things 'came together,' if you know what I mean.... Not too many piles to be handled since I did a lot of that Monday. Things just felt somewhat under control today. Which is nice. And, which also means that all hell is probably due to break loose. :) I even managed to de-rust that little round outside metal table I've been wanting to work on. Naval jelly does ineed work. Tomorrow I'm going to run to the hardware store for some paint stripper and new paint.

I may even spray that frickin' Asian jasmine AGAIN! Then again, I may just call someone to handle it for me. That's the ticket, I think.

As for staying off ebay? Didn't happen. I've got a bid in on something for my daughter for Christmas. And I ordered her something from the Smithsonian web site. And....did I mention the new bedding and drapes I ordered for my (our) room? That means new paint, new rugs, etc. WHY did I do that?!?!