Back from the coast It was, as always, healing for me. We stayed in a third floor condo this time. J decided he prefers a house. I'm surprised. We drove down the beach highway and, at first, thought things looked pretty good as far as the rebuilding effort was going. Then....we came to the end of the island and saw the houses, or rather -- didn't see the houses. One of the houses we've stayed in is leaning and the one that 'used' to be next to it is gone. There seemed to be a couple of houses (or remains of houses) across the street so we wondered if the missing house had been blown or washed across the street. Even though many of the houses don't seem ready to be rented, the condos appear to be up and running.

We ate well, swam, played pool in the condo game room, walked the beach, and enjoyed being with each other. And then....

And then we went to work on the AL house. That's where the good times ended. We drove home from the beach, even tho it was the opposite way from AL, to drop off the boys and see to the cat. J wanted the boys to go to AL and help with painting the outside of the house and go to a Civil War reenactment, but they declined. So, J and I left for AL the next day. I don't think we said 100 words to each other the whole time we were up there -- including the night we got home and J left the next morning.

I didn't trust myself to say much. I 'think' one of the reasons I so resent that house is because it insults me to have J spending so much time and money on it when we/our family are putting off doing/buying things we need/want because resources are going to that damn house. ....It's been this way for going on FIVE years for G-d's sake!! Every other person I can think of who inherited anything from family, used it for their families. Not J, he's still (almost 5 years later) trying to keep up things for himself and most probably for the approval of his family -- who aren't here anymore. He holds on to things until they are worthless. I have this eerie feeling that something's going to happen to that house and he's going to lose it. Ummmm....I was thinking about loosing the house itself, but he just might lose *IT* if something happens to that house.

Anywho, once up there, we chose outside paint colors for the house and J started painting, and then the rain came. So there sits the house, half painted. He did odds and ends inside the house and I painted (I've been painting for over 4 years now -- it'll never be done) some trim, closet shelves, and one bath. Then, I read the paper and an Oprah home magazine I bought. There wasn't anything else for me to do. The kids and I have been telling J that his refusal to get rid of 'stuff' is keeping us from being able to do anything else. It's to that point now.

I don't want to go back. I don't want to stay with J. It's getting to be too much trouble to dredge up warm feelings for J. He's always had only one foot in this relationship. That was workable for me because I had my life and he had his. He needs someone with him at all times, and it doesn't matter who that someone is -- they are replaceable. I don't want to be that someone anymore. Since his mom and grandmom died, he lost his touchstone. Now he wants me to be it, and it's not working. I say he wants ME, but actually he just wants SOMEONE. He's a sad person.

He's making up his life. He's embarrassed to have a degree in art. He has a MFA but isn't even proud of it. I don't understand. I have realized that he HAS to figure things out in his mind -- even if he comes to unrealistic conclusions. He HAS to be able to say to himself that things are one way or another -- even if he has to create an unreal reality. .... I know what I just wrote makes no sense because I don't understand what's going on myself.

On the way back from AL we stopped and looked at new 5th wheels. It's time to trade. The point was made again that we couldn't get what we wanted because we had to keep money free for the house in Leeds. You would think something like that would get throught to J -- the fact that he's not able to live his life as he wants because he's choosing to put resources into a house that's sitting there falling down. Doesn't make sense to me.

I think it's time for me to start looking for a job. There's always teaching, but.... I just don't know how to get out of this marriage. I ask J to leave but he won't.

Two good things: I got the house cleaned after sons #2&3 being here while we were in AL, and I made a pretty good frozen strawberry daiquiri. I'm gettin' the hang of it....