I once heard that a man needs (I forgot how many, but more than 2) wives in his life according to the stage of life he's in. That's making sense to me. ....I think it could hold true for women, too. To me that statement implies that when a man or woman won't grow or mature into the next stage of his or her life, they need to find someone who is in the same place as them. Okay, I know that didn't make much sense but I'm too tired to rewrite that sentence. :/

We (J andI) head to Bama Friday. I guess we'll stay until at least Sunday, maybe Monday. Sigh! Sigh! SIGH!! J's got to finish repainting the outside of the house, and I don't know WHAT I'll do. Nobody else wants to go with us and I really don't blame them. We've been working on that damn house for almost five years for God's sake!

Oh, well. Oh, hell.

I worked on that stupid little round metal table again today. Yesterday I used Nava Jelly, and it did a good job. Today I tried to strip the paint. The paint stripper did a so-so job. I probably could have used a second can of stripper, but.... I've got the thing primed and ready to paint purple tomorrow. School colors, don't cha know? It's not going to look perfect, but if I kept working on it I'd end up spending more than it would cost to buy a new one.

The boys went to see "War of the Worlds" today and they reallly liked it. 'A' called and said her job was going well. She's been very busy, but she seems to be settling in. I read that we're going to be adding some new teaching positions here, so I'm thinking I may ask around about them. Who know's.

What exactly can one expect from marriage? This thought/question came to me last night. I started to get back on the 'puter and put my thoughts down, but....went to sleep (or something) instead. Usually, when I do that I don't remember what is is I wanted to say the next time I'm at my computer. But, I've remember this all day. I've thought about it off and on.

Here's what I've come up with. Is what I have 'enough?' I have a husband who loves me as best he can. At least I think he does. He's told me before that he loves me as much as he can love anyone. I truly believe that his past has hampered what we could have had. He has always provided for me and the kids -- even if, at times, his choices weren't what I liked. Ummmm....what else?

Now. What I don't have is a man who I feel loves me for who I am. He wants/expects someone to pleasure him at all times. If my choices/desires won't do anything for him, I'll have hell to pay and most likely won't get whatever I'd like unless I do it myself, and he'll certainly make life miserable for me. I may be fooling myself, but I don't think he knows how to sacrifice for someone else.

I also don't have a man who I want to be with anymore. It takes so much energy to make my self pretend, or to just be with him. In a way it's odd. J wants so to please others. He wants to do for others and be noticed. It's his family that he puts at the end of his list.

So, we have a business relationship. Sort of. Is that enough? Me thinks not. Now....what to do about it?

Whew! On to the more mundane....

Today was good. Even though I didn't sleep well, it was good. As usual, I had the fan on by my bed last night (I've gotten used to it as kind of white noise), and I think the air was blowing on 'something' that kept waking me up. At one point, I thought someone was in my room. I'd wake up enough to wonder what it was that was waking me up, but then I'd go back to sleep before I could figure it out. A couple of times lately, around 4:30 am, the backyard security lights have come on and waked me up. Don't know what's up with that!

Anywho, it was one of those days where I felt as if things 'came together,' if you know what I mean.... Not too many piles to be handled since I did a lot of that Monday. Things just felt somewhat under control today. Which is nice. And, which also means that all hell is probably due to break loose. :) I even managed to de-rust that little round outside metal table I've been wanting to work on. Naval jelly does ineed work. Tomorrow I'm going to run to the hardware store for some paint stripper and new paint.

I may even spray that frickin' Asian jasmine AGAIN! Then again, I may just call someone to handle it for me. That's the ticket, I think.

As for staying off ebay? Didn't happen. I've got a bid in on something for my daughter for Christmas. And I ordered her something from the Smithsonian web site. And....did I mention the new bedding and drapes I ordered for my (our) room? That means new paint, new rugs, etc. WHY did I do that?!?!

Don't know why I haven't posted since last Monday. Again, I've no excuses -- just lazy, I guess. Oh....let's blame it on the heat.

Now to catch up. 'A' started her new job today. I haven't talked to her, but I trust eveything went well. She's determined to make this one work. She told me she would be busy this week because they are running a trial. ....I sort of know what that's about, it's when they are testing a product that's only been a theory before. At least I 'think' that's what it is. I DO know that a trial often keeps them late and when they do go home, it's not unusual to get phone calls at all hours about things going wrong.

Next week she's set up to be out of state. Same for the week after that. In fact, until they get her building built, she has a feeling that she'll be out of state more than she'll be in state. At least she knows it'll only be temporary. They told her they want to move her into an engineering position asap. Even though it'll be more $$, she's thinkin' that being in a clean 'air-conditioned' lab, versus a hot, dirty plant has it's benefits. ....Especially during summer in the deep south.

Well, today was prETTy good for a Monday. I had some alone time Saturday and used it to get some of my vacuuming done. With two of my sons here all last week, this house was in a state! And....with J and son #3 getting back into war gaming (which means miniature figures allllll over the computer room while being painted) it was NOT a pretty sight (or, I guess you could say 'site' also??). Anywho....I had time, and energy, to do some things that I'm usually too tired to do after my usual Monday cleanin'. Wow! HOW boring is THIS?!?! That's my life at the moment. :/

WWs is going pretty good actually. I'm not losing like I would like to, but then again, the food I'm able to eat is not bad, so I'm really not suffering. J stays on the diet with me when he's here on weekends, so far.

Speaking of J....after all, that's why I started this blog. ;) No one would go to AL with him last weekend. I was so hoping the boys would go so I wouldn't have to. But..nada. So....he wants to go this weekend. Will he go by himself" Hell no. He has to have someone go with him, even if they just sit there with nothing to do. Even after all these years, I just don't get it. It would drive me crazy having someone just sitting there watching and waiting while I worked.

NOW he's saying we should sell the AL house and buy one, temporarily, in TX for as long as his job lasts. No real problem here (except he knows how I feel about TX), but, again, as I see it, it's just more talk. I mean, this situation's been going on for almost five years. You can only mild a cow so much before it runs dry. ....I have NO idea what that means, seeing as how I've never milked a cow. Nor do I ever intend to.

So, in the best of all possible worlds, he'd go to AL this weekend, do his work, all the while appreciating the work A, J, and I did a couple of years ago when that damn house was nothing but a mold bin. Is that gonna happen? Not a snowball's chance in hell.

Switching lanes, before I forget, my VB purse came in this weekend and I love it. It's red and smaller than the black one I have that's just like it -- only bigger. My Channel #5 is in and I'm smellin' preEETTy good these days. And, the Halloween Cat's Meow I ordered for A for (maybe) Christmas came today. They are as cute as they looked online. ....I've gotta stay off ebay....

Well, it sure doesn't seem like Monday. It seems as it it's the middle of the week. The weekend was good. In fact, now that I think about it, something happened that was GREAT! ....More about that later. J came in Thursday, and sons #2 & 3 were here, so J was happy. He likes having people arouond. Friday we rode to Hattiesburg for son #3 to take that make up test. J and I went to Waffle House for breakfast while son #3 was taking his test. I must say that it was the slowest Waffle House I've been in. Went to Hudson's then headed home. We just missed a strong thunderstorm. I made a WWs layered Mexican chicken casserole for dinner. It was good.

Saturday A called (this is the GREAT part). Remember the last job that she worked at for 1 day? Well, a week from today she starts the job she's been holding out for! I am thrilled for her. I hope/trust it will be all she wishes it will be, and more. Oh, she also has a new roommate. THAT'S a story in itself.

Sunday was a good Father's Day for J, I think. He seemed to like his presents. He chose meat pies from Chris' for dinner and enjoyed them. And son #1 called and we all had a nice long talk. He sounds content. I pray so for him and the others, too.

That's about it. Won a Vera Bradley on ebay. Had a terrible day, foodwise, Saturday, but made up for it Sunday and today. And....J wants to go to the AL house this weekend. I don't think I'm going because there's not much I can do and there is stuff I need to do here. I hope the boys will go with him. We'll see....

Umm, ummmm, and ummmmmm.... Not sure what I want to say, so I'll play it safe and be nice. J comes in tomorrow. It's anyone's guess how the weekend will go. We'll either work things out gingerly, have a big blow-up, or, one of these days, call the whole thing off. It's kind of scary the way we're playing around with our lives and marriage. I certainly don't feel much of a commitment -- not sure about J. Which means, that if things line up just right, it'll be all over.

I've figured out something else. When J and I have anything positive, it's ususally because I've gone over to where he is. He rarely steps out of where he lives and into where I am. He won't join me in a space where the two of us can exist. He wants me to join him and all those he drags along with him. 'I' know what I mean by that. I'm not sure I said it so anyone else can understand.

Moving righ along.... I had my hair highlighted and cut today. Looks good even if I say so myself. ;) My stylist is back from maternity leave. I had no idea what kind of baby gift to get her, so I got a gift certificate from Babies R Us and she seemed pleased.

While I was picking up the gift card, I decided to look for something for J for Father's Day. (He got me nothing for Mother's Day -- didn't even say Happy M's Day or offer to pick up food or anything.) Anywho....I was at our old mall, where I haven't been for sometime, and I ended up parking by this new store, so in I went. I found J a couple of odd shirts -- one with Liverpool printed on it, and one with Dublin printed on it, and a long sleeve BAMA shirt, and camo cargo shorts. I also downloaded some photos of the AL house from Terra Server (great site) and used those along with some photos of his growing up to make a shadow box.

The heat has been a-w-f-u-l this week, and last week also. It's supposed to be even hotter tomorrow. I don't see how that can be.

Tomorrow is weigh in for WWs. I don't know if the scales will show any weight loss. I've been following the diet, so I hope it works. I'm commited to it because, G-d knows, I've got to loose about 15 lbs. I'd love to loose 20 lbs. I can pretty much find my way around the WWs site. It's good....has lots of information.

Well, I've been just plain lazy about posting here. I guess I could make up allll kinds of excuses, but..I've just been pure lazy!

Anywho....I'm here now -- with nothing interesting to say. Let's see, diet is going pretty good actually. I think I'm loosing some pounds -- which is a good thing. It is either loose some weight or buy some new clothes. I'd rather do both -- loose weight and THEN buy some new clothes.

Sons #2&3 are here, have been here all week. :) Not sure how long they'll be here next week. I'm enjoying having them around tho. Son #3 has to go to Hattiesburg to take a make up test Friday. 'Somehow' it didn't get turned in on the computer.

Haven't heard from son #1. Haven't a clue as to what's going on with him. Hope he's ok. I've learned to trust G-d on this one as it's absolutely out of my control.

'A' called and she and her roommate are in the hill country of TX. Don't know what's going on there.

J and I had another tenuous peace until late last night and we had a blow up. He went over the top about me watching home improvement shows. He said I was obsessive and watched them 24/7. I slept in A's bed last night -- much to the cat's chagrin. That's where she usually sleeps.

J has been throwing little darts about me not doing anything, not working or whatever. He's never appreciated what it takes to run a house and kids while he's away working. I've always appreciated what he does, and told him so. But, he take whatever I do (painting the entire inside of the house, pulling up flooring, mowing the yard, etc) as what's supposed to happen. He always had at least three people working to keep him happy.

I worked for years, earning more money than him, so he could go from job to job since he couldn't manage to get along with people for an extended period of time. I managed 4 kids (as best I could) with precious little help from him. He never touched the house. But his take is -- what have you done for me lately. If I'm not doing whatever he wants me to do at the time, I'm worthless. Anything I've done for him in the past is of no account, because he's not getting what he wants NOW.

I really don't like him. It's so hard to be around someone who's constantly criticizing you. And criticizing you for things like reading the newspaper, watching Oprah, watching home improvement shows. WTF?!

Today has been hot, hot, hot! I didn't make things any better by cooking and using the oven all day. I knew better, but.... I made the veggie dinner with cornbread and it was passable. In fact, I may use some of the recipes again. I used too much macaroni in the mac and cheese, and my buttermilk had gone bad so I had to use regular milk. I didn't taste the cornbread, but J and son #3 said it was fine.

I had two platesful of veggies, some of which had been made with butter, brown sugar, pecans...., so my diet was very much off track today. I'll make up for it tomorrow. I'm gonna try the drunken chicken and a big salad.

J and son #3 may go to a wargaming tournamen in New Orleans tomorrow. Not sure what I'll do. Maybe try wacking that Asian jasmine down so I can spray it again and get closer to the roots. I'm afraid it's a loosing battle.

J and I have had a tenuous peace tonight. He got in this afternoon, we ate, and he and son #3 went to the wargaming meeting. So....we haven't been around each other much. Oh....I did 'mention' that I wasn't too happy about the kid using the yard. I just don't feel comfortable about it. To me, home is where one should feel secure, comfortable, and all that. That's hard for me to do when I never know who's going to be in my backyard when I walk out -- not to mention the boat, trailer, coolers, etc. It just pisses me off big time to have to think before I go out my door.

Lazy day today. I washed 3 or 4 loads of clothes this morning before it got too hot. I made my WWs shopping list. I changed the sheets on my bed. Went to Walmart tonight -- which took f-o-r-e-v-e-r . I don't know what's happened to this Walmart, but it's not a good thing. Very few cashiers, long lines. Whaz up with that? I can tell you one thing, when the Target opens up right down the road, that's where I'll be doing most of my shopping. 'My' Walmart is becoming as bad as the KMart that closed. ....That's where the new Target is opening.

What a boring person I've become!! Can't I think of anything else to write about besides the mundane details of my daily life and bitchin' about J?

Oh....that's why I started doing this. So I could see if there was any rhyme or reason to my feelings.

Here's today's grip. J told a neighborhood kid that he could use our backyard to put his boat in the lake. We don't know this kid. He seems nice enough, but.... It's just the idea of never knowing when he's going to show up or who he's going to have with him. He leaves the gate open, and his boat and trailer and coolers and other stuff are on one side of the yard.

I hate to sound like a total bitch, but....I don't know what J was thinking when he made this deal. He didn't tell me. I just started out the back door one moring -- in my pjs -- to water the flowers, and there was this kid and two others. Now I don't feel relaxed in my own yard. No one can park in the part of the driveway that goes into the back yard because it'll block the kid moving his boat.

I don't think the kid's parents would ok J to go in and out of their yard as he pleased. He is an idiot! We've had two serial killers (both in jail), and the police say they think there is another one out there. In the last two weeks, we've had three kids (caught now) doing home invasions and raping women. I just don't like not knowing who's going to be in the back yard, especially since J works out of state all week.

J has no feel about boundaries. This is the same type thing he did with his grandparens and mom. He told them 'his' house was their house and they could come and go as they pleased. .....And they did. They didn't reciprocate. They wanted to know when we were coming and for how long -- which is normal.

Sigh! It's not going to be a good weekend, I can tell....

I'm tired of wasting time living with such negative feelings. I've told J that. I've told him that it's not fair to either of us, that we could both be happier. But, he won't leave. And I'm too lazy to do anything about it. We're unhappy far more than we're happy, and that's a shame.

Oh, well. I'm going to cook a vegetable meal tomorrow. All the recipes come from Fannie Flagg's new book, "A Redbird Christmas." I was thinking about doing a drunken chicken, but I'm not sure I want to go to the trouble. I have WWs recipes ready for the rest of the weekend. I hope I don't get lazy and we just order out.

Day one of Weight Watchers diet. ....That's what happens when I'm bored and surfing the computer in the wee hours -- I buy things. Usually it's things on ebay, but last night (early this morning) I decided to join WW. It was sooOOoo easy. Just pull up the site, click a few times, and voila, I'm a member for the next three months. =8-0 I really need to do something to lose some weight, so I hope this will be a good thing. J will be surprised to come home this weekend and find he's on a WW's diet. ;)

I've already planned some meals; now I have to make a shopping list. I did ok today for not going to the store and just using what's on hand. Breakfast: oatmeal/fat free evap milk/Molly McButter, coffee/sugar/ff evap milk. Snack: apple, Crystal Lite. Lunch: WW's minestrone (sp?) soup recipe. Snack: HUGE Pina Colada! :/ Supper: Chicken cooked in Diet Coke & ketchup (pretty good actually), 94% fat free microwave Kettle Korn. ....And, two bites of onion pizza as I was throwing the slice away.

J called several times today about new 5th wheels. He had me look at them online with him. I guess we need one, but I'd rather do the apt thing, or something. ....Maybe live at home?? What's so hard about that?

I haven't talked to 'A' since I called her Monday. She's not calling home, which is odd. I haven't called because I don't want her to think -- whatever, I really don't know. She'll call when she's ready.

Son #1 is on an adventure in WA. I'm not really sure what's going on with him. But....there's nothing new with that.

Well, that's all the news that is the news. Off to make that shopping list.