Some questions may never be answered......

Eight years ago, as the last hours of January became the first hours of February, my youngest brother chose to leave this world. He was young. He was amazingly handsome. He had a job allowing him to travel to exotic places. He had a beautiful house. He was surrounded by good friends. He had a brother and a sister who, along with their families, loved him with all their hearts. Yet, for whatever reason, none of this was enough.

As those of us who loved him held each other, we each wondered in our own ways what had happened. We searched our minds for clues. Maybe (this) was the reason? Maybe (that)? What could we have done? What should we have done? Those of us living miles away fretted that we should have stayed in closer touch -- should have watched more closely. Those living next door agonized over the dinner invitation he'd backed out of on the night of his death. Why didn't they insist he come -- they wondered. The ones who had greeted him on his morning run wondered why they hadn't noticed something was awry -- something that would end with him ending his stay on earth hours later.

At this point, I wish I could say that I don't think there was anything anyone could have done to prevent what happened, but I don't know if that is true. If I'd been more available -- more involved in his life, could it have helped? Would he then have felt safe to come to me and ask for whatever help he needed? Or just to talk? I'll never know. Why didn't he trust me (or his brother) with the knowledge of who he really was? Could he have possibly thought we'd reject him? Didn't he know us -- trust us -- better than that? That may be what hurts the most. The fact that he thought he couldn't be his true self with us. What a burden he must have carried.

I thought we had a special connection. Yet I had no inkling he was in such bad shape. That stunned me. Shouldn't there have been something inside warning me that he was in trouble? Why did I allow such distance to develop between us that I lost that knowing? Easy answer. I was lazy. I didn't try hard enough. It wasn't a priority. Sad.

In the days, weeks, months following his death, my other brother T. and I didn't know exactly how to mourn. I was surprised at the anger I felt. T. was surprised to find himself thinking of how much courage it must have taken to do something like that. What did we tell our children? What did we tell other family members and friends? How would our brother have wanted us to handle it? I hope we pleased him.

(you can hum the music from Twilight Zone here -- da da da da) In the days following his death, as I stumbled through my life trying to do the things I had to do, I gradually began feeling a strength. My brother's strength. Somehow I knew that he was with me and would be with me as long as I needed him. I grabbed hold of his presence and held on tightly.

I remember the day I let go. I felt a release as I set him free with love and joy. I think the feeling was as much his as mine. I realized that, in some way, I had been holding him from moving on. Oh, he's still here -- but in a different way.

So, today I'll remember the day we celebrated his life. I'll remember his friends and the experiences they shared with me. I'll remember hearing from his friends how important I was to him. I'll remember the laughter, the tears, the regrets, the wondering. And, I'll remember how, as one of his close friends was recounting an experience they'd shared, how I looked up and how the sky was filled with my brother's smile -- reaching from horizon to horizon. That familiar, ever-present smile of his.

And, today, I'll remember how much I love and miss him.

Going green......

Have you tried the new light bulbs -- the ones Walmart is determined we should all be using? Now, truth be told, I don't know if Walmart has an agenda or not; it's just what I've heard.

Anywho....I was adamantly opposed to switching light sources. I'd heard the new bulbs made you feel you were at work -- something about the hue of light or something like that. But, J. was determinded. And when he's determinded about something, he does it. So, he's gradually been changing the bulbs in the house -- waiting to see if I rebel. I hate not having enough light to see what I'm doing!

Yesterday, after a seemingly never-ending trip to Walmart, he bought the new bulbs for the kitchen and computer room (the two rooms I've dared him to touch) and he braved changing the bulbs. He was really concerned that I was going to erupt -- which is something unusual for him. He kept saying if the new bulbs didn't work, we'd change them back. A first!

But....I've gotta say, it seems these new bulbs give more light than the old ones. I really hate to say that out loud because he'll use that as an excuse to sneak in other changes he has in mind that I know won't work....

J.'s rush to go green is a bit troubling tho. It seems everyone we talk to are mentioning ways they are cutting back. Not just to be politically correct, but because they are feeling a crunch. Could it be that as a society we are going through a big lifestyle change? I keep hearing that we are going back to how things used to be. Living nearer work. Living in small-town like communities where you don't need to get in you car to buy a loaf of bread or go to a movie. Living a lifestyle so everyone in the family doesn't need a car.

Sounds good to me.

You'll like this one......

Jesus Optical Illusion Image

If the above link works, it will take you to a very kewl Jesus Optical Illusion Image. You might have to scroll down the page once there.

Hope this brings a laugh to your weekend......

CHINESE PROVERBS

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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man ! who eat many prunes get good run for money

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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Middlesex......

I finally bought the book. When I first heard about it I had no interest in reading it. For some reason, the title had me thinking it was of the early English lit ilk --which I learned to dislike (along with early American lit) in college. I hadn't even read a synopsis. Even hearing people talk about enjoying it didn't peak my curiosity.

But, finally, standing in front of rows of books at Target, and having no selection in mind, I picked up Middlesex and read the cover. Not at all what I'd expected. I bought it. Took it home. Started reading and voila! Now I see what so many were talking about.

I plan to snuggle in on this chilly, rainy day with a cup of British tea and get lost in the world of Middlesex.

Remember Charlie Chan?

Wasn't he the one who talked about his "#1 son?" Anywho....my #1 son (or son #1 -- must be careful since I have three sons!) called last night. Why is that so special you might ask. Well, I haven't talked to him since Christmas Eve when he was preparing to leave for somewhere around Salem, OR. "I'll call for sure on Christmas, Mom," he'd said. Of course, I knew enough not to bet on it, but still....

The whispering in the back of my mind started when we didn't hear from him Christmas or New Year's, but I shushed the voices. And then, when LSU won the national championship and he didn't call, the voices really started their mummering. I'm used to it. I live with it every day. Being out of touch with a child is not normal. There is no peace for a mother who can't account for her brood. If she doesn't know what to rejoice (or worry) about -- what to pray for.

Then, last week when I looked out the bay windows and noticed two police cars by the curb outside my house, I couldn't keep the voices from shouting. Why is it that when we don't know what to worry about we tend to worry about bad things? Finally the cars left and I chided myself for being so foolish. You'd think you would get used to feeling this way after such a long time, but....you don't.

It's been a rocky journey for son #1, his dad, and me. Started out like any eagerly anticipated adventure, but somewhere along the way we all got lost. I'm not sure what happened. I just thank G-d that we seem to be making our way back to each other. I wrote son #1 a letter last year explaining (or trying to) how we as a family felt about him not being around -- not even keeping in touch. How we weren't whole. I was a little hesitant to send it because I didn't want him to take it the wrong way and do something....dangerous....or whatever. But I decided to trust him. The letter made an impact. He called, told me he'd read it and that he would try harder to let us know what was going on in his life. And he has.

So....to quit belaboring the point. He called last night. With his usual explanations -- storms, phones out, traveling. He sounded happy. He's safe. That's all that matters.

My weekend......

Last weekend was one of those weekends when things just -- worked out. It was cold, which made it all the nicer to be able to stay inside doing absolutely nothing I didn't want to do. Well....starting Friday afternoon after the running around doing things I had to do was over.

Here's an embarrassing fact about me that all too many people are learning. I look forward to "Ghost Whisperers" on Friday nights. Blush! Blush! My kids just shake their heads. Okay, even I can't say the show has stellar acting, but there's just something about it that reels me in. J. usually has a battle at his wargameing club (I wonder if we had won the war of northern agression if allllll these Southern men would still be fighting with little metal figures and/or dressing up and recreating events that are over? Actually, J.'s current armies are French and German. And he hopes to win? Hello! That kind of thinking may be a clue to why we lost....)

Anywho...."Ghost Whisperers" comes on at a perfect time. J.'s gone, dishes are done (usually), so I can pour my glass of wine, sit down and relax. A vampire show comes on afterward that I'm getting into, and then "Numbers" -- which I say I don't care for but am usually so settled into the recliner by that time that I sit and watch it anyway. And it usually surprises me that I find it entertaining. John Edward is also on on Friday nights. Such an exciting life, huh?

Now for a description of a Saturday that was just as exciting.... I read. Yes, I read pretty much all day. Just sat under an afghan and read. I've been reading the His Dark Materials series the kids lent me, and really, really want to finish Thomas Cahill's Hinges of History series -- I'm rereading "How the Irish Saved Civilization." Did you know they had done that? Well, yes ma'am, yes sir, they did. But....instead of reading either of those I had gone to Target and bought another book for this weekend, "The Friday Night Knitting Club." Amost finished it, too. I know how it ends -- I sometimes read the end, and I'll probably finish it today.

Sunday went pretty much the same way, except I spent some time catching up on the last three Sunday New York Times that were laying around -- I get so behind at times with the Times. (Okay, that stunk. I know.) I'm starting to wonder just why the paper delivery guy throws the paper in the street. Could it be a protest about delivering that paper instead of our local paper? Does he even know what paper it is he's throwing? Why would I even think this way....? And to top off the day, another of my favorite shows, "The Amazing Race" was on -- actually it ended. I liked all three couples that made it to the finals. I hate it when a couple I don't care for has a chance of winning.

Don't you wish you were me? Such a life!

My NC kids did add some spice here and there throughout the weekend. Friday night they called to ask me if I could guess what they were doing. (Why do they do that? Don't they realize what thoughts could go through a mother's mind?) It ended up they were driving around Raleigh in their new Toyota Highlander. Since my daughter and one of her roommates work at the same place, they decided to trade in both their cars and buy a bigger one that would accomodate the entire crew. So....now they have a group house and a group car. Oh, my. Oh, my. The complications that could arise. But they're sure not going to listen to me. They intend to buy a big piece of land and all build separate living spaces.

And, then, Saturday night it snowed in Raleigh. You can bet I heard all about that. And the fact that one of the two new car owners had a scheduled flight to Los Angles on Sunday (would her flight be cancelled?), and the second new car owner was freaking out about driving that huge car to work Monday on (possible) icy streets. It never ends. They move out, but....

So, that was my weekend. Boring but nice. Now I'll start the exciting week ahead by vacuuming some floors....

The price you pay......

As they say, everything comes with a price. Like, say....winnig a national championship in football. Win. Ticket prices go up.

It's to be expected, I suppose. Because, they go up when you loose, too.

At least they didn't manage to take away over 100 student seats. Greedy b**tards!

Did you feel it?

Around 12:07/12:08 pm today? Did a gentle breeze ruffle your hair, the papers on your desk, the pages of the book you were reading? If so, did you smile and wonder where it came from? Or did you shiver with some unknown, unsure feeling?

If, by chance, you felt that breeze, it was most likely coming from me and most of my fellow Louisianians exhaling. As of 12:08 pm today, our state finally has leadership new leadership. Bobby Jindal was sworn in as governor today.

I voted for him the first time he ran -- and lost. I voted for him the second time he ran -- and won. I have high hopes. But....like many of us in this state, even though my hopes are high, my expectations are low. I'm surprised that I feel this way, and even more surprised that many others feel the same. It's not good.

Many of us in this state have been putting off facing the feeling that we had to face today. We said we wanted change, and now we have a chance to have exactly that, but is it actually possible? Can it be done? Can we do it? This must be very similar to how those displaced by Katrina feel -- life wasn't good before the storms for many of them and now there's supposedly a new chance to do better. But....just how do you do it? How do you change?

After being sworn in as Lieutenant Governor, Mitch Landrieu said it well. The rest of the country, figuratively and literally, look down on Louisiana. We are used to being at the end of the line. We expect it -- maybe even feel we deserve it. We need to change that way of thinking. We must change that way of thinking. Easy to say.

Jindal has given this state a mantra: We need to change. We must change. We will change.

So, here we go. I so hope it's a good ride.

Lost in Translation......

What do you do when you are sitting at a dinner table with another couple and they don't speak many words of English? Here's what I did. I smiled. A lot. I smiled until my cheeks and jaws are sore.

For some unfathomable reason J. accepted a lunch invitation with the Mexican engineer he's befriended and the guy's wife who's been in the U.S. for less than a month. He speaks some English. She speaks almost none.

They are a lovely couple with a cute year old baby. They wanted to come to the U.S. "the right way," so they have their papers. He's very proud of that. They have very little furniture. Most of what they have came from donations or Goodwill. They are proud of how they are putting things together. I admire there dedication.

J. has helped them out with his truck and he helped the husband out at work before the wife and baby had their papers in order and could come here. So I guess this lunch was a thank you for him.

It's just that, as I sat and sat, and sat, and... at the table -- SMILING! -- I couldn't help wondering, "What IS the point of this?" I feel like a bad person for feeling that way.

As we were leaving, the husband asked, "When are you coming back? What date?" We didn't know what to say.

I did teach the baby to wave and say, "Bye bye." I didn't realize it until we were leaving and she raised her little hand and said it. I don't know who was more surprise, me or her parents. As we got in the car J. said he didn't know if they appreciated that or not. WTH?

Let's talk about the mail......

I was all set to come on here and compliment the USPS. ....Glad I didn't jump the gun.

You see, since the storms, our mail is being delivered later and later. Like 7 p.m. And....all too often pieces are ripped, then stuck in an envelope with a note saying it got caught in a machine.

I'm not complaining. At least it's making it here. But I must admit, I was beginning to feel like the columist in our local paper when he said that sooner or later the mail would most likely be arriving in the wee hours, just as dawn was breaking.

So, imagine my surprise when I walked outside Tuesday morning and saw the little yellow thingie on the side of the mailbox that pops up when there's mail in the box -- was up. I looked in and, yep! There was indeed mail inside. Same thing happened all week. I'd go out in the moring and -- voila! Mail! In daylight!

Even this morning, bright and (not so) early, there was mail in the box. But....alas, all good things must come to an end. J. came home early today -- around 4 p.m. and....brought in the mail. Again.

Were they delivering twice a day now? Confused the dickens out of me until.... I figured out that we'd just forgotten to bring it in one night and then when I found it the next morning, I thought it was that day's mail.

So, nothing's changed. Mail's still late. Except on the occasional day like today when he makes it by before dark.

I guess you can tell how exciting my week's been since I have time to obsess over something like what time the mail gets here. Actually, son #2 went back to NC with his sister and brother so I've been trying to reclaim the room he's been living in. Not an easy job. It seems all I've been doing for the last two days is going through stacks of paper and throwing things away. How does so much stuff accumulate so quickly?

Victory for L-S-U!

Oh! Wow!

LSU 38

Ohio 24

2007 BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!

Forever LSU!

Louisiana State University

Hot Boudin,
Cold Cous-Cous,
C'mon Tigers,
Push, Push, Push!

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Tiger Rag

Long ago, way down in the jungle
Someone got an inspiration for a tune,
And that jingle brought from the jungle
Became famous mighty soon.
Thrills and chills it sends thru you!
Hot! so hot, it burns you too!
Tho' it's just the growl of the tiger
It was written in a syncopated way,
More and more they howl for the 'Tiger'
Ev'ry where you go today
They're shoutin'
Where's that Tiger! Where's that Tiger!
Where's that Tiger! Where's that Tiger!
Hold that Tiger! Hold that Tiger!
Hold that Tiger!

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Tonight's the night we've waited for.... (sounds sort of like a song, huh?)

GEAUX TIGERS!

Have a great day!

That's our coach. He's from Mee-chigan and we didn't quite know what to make of him at first. But, now, I think we luv him and it seems he's warming up to us -- even though we made fun of his choice of earphones and hats.

But, (and remember you heard it here first) considering some of the calls he made in games this season, we're either watching a man's descent into madness or the making of a kick-ass coach. We'll know more next season. :/

You must watch the end of the video to hear him wish reporters a "great day." You rock, Les.

Greetings from the frozen south......

Burr! It's cold. I hesitate to say that because I b*tch so much about the heat, you'd think I'd welcome the cold. I do, but....sheesh! Not quite this cold -- or this windy. But, not to worry. By week's end it'll be pushing 80 degrees. Roller coaster weather.

You know, it's not fun coming home after you've been away for a month. Not only do I miss my views, but this house was a mess! How did that happen with no one here? Well, I'll tell you. My husband is a pig. He was here for two weeks and I don't think he picked up a single thing after himself. Certainly doesn't endear him to me. I blame him for what happened to me yesterday.

Yesterday morning, as I was hauling my third or fourth bag of garbage and recyclables out in the freezing weather, I was really steaming mad didn't want to go back inside to face the loads and loads of washing that awaited me. Not to mention the vacuuming and dishes and....

So....I walked to the front porch and sat down. The wrought iron chair shocked me back into reality pretty quickly though. But before I could make it back around to the side door to get back inside, I heard my name being called. In the wind it sounded like it was coming from the heavens and I thought -- Well, I've done it this time. I knew I'd pay for the thoughts I was having. It wasn't G-d. It was my neighbors' house-sitting chef (no longer "in training").

He was standing inside the door calling me. Child, you're chilled to the bone! he said. Get in here and warm up. And warm up I did. With freshly brewed hazelnut coffee, fortified with generous dollops of amaretto, rum cake (toasted with butter) and a few left-over rum balls.

After warm drink, warm food, and the genuine warmth of the chef and his partner, I stumbled walked home got this house in shape in record time. Then, I crashed. Wonder why? But not before sending up my thanks for caring people showing up in your life when you need them.

Sports Special: LSU Football

This video does a good job explaining the meaning of LSU football to this state -- even with all the other challenges facing us. It's way too long (almost 45 minutes) for most of you, but even by skipping through it I think you'll get the jist. As important as football is, no one has forgotten what happened.

Smaltzy? Sure. But the meaning's still there. So....for the next few days this blog's gonna be all about football -- LSU football. Cause my tigers have a game to play in a few days -- just down the road and this city's in a tizzy. All the other important stuff'll still be here next Tuesday.

Geaux Tigers!

Parades......

Some things never change. J. called the kids this morning to ask if they were watching the Rose Parade. He has fond memories of watching with his mom each year. What he keeps forgetting is....our kids (especially the two born here) have no respect for a parade without throws.

LSU VS OHIO STATE HYPE VIDEO

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

....and, GEAUX TIGERS!